2014: in review

The only lights on in the house were the Christmas tree lights. They lit up the room with a soft red glow. I sat there on my pile of blankets mesmerized by the tree. That tree holds so many memories. Each ornament holds a story. Through broken pieces and new ones added every year it epitomizes our family.Christmas eve is my 'New Year's". It gives me a chance to reflect on the past year and take time during the busy holiday season to breathe. I opened my journal, worn to the touch after being dragged around for the past 8 months. As I put my pencil to the page I froze. I did not know where to start. I sat in the exact same spot last year and was convicted to give up dating for 2014. Looking at where I was a year ago and where I have come caused me to stop. I never imagined I would be where I am now.

2014 was one of the hardest years I have had. Many things began but with every beginning comes an ending. Those endings were painful and difficult. There have been some great new adventures! God has been stretching me a lot as well. Some of those lessons have been hard to learn. I am ready for new beginnings and new adventures but our past is what shapes us and helps us grow.

In 2014:

I ended my last semester with Axis. It was bittersweet and I miss traveling but I know God wanted me to move forward.

I got a full time job. I am working at a camp and gaining so much experience! It is a different season in my life but I want to use it.

I joined a church! I am finally in one place for more than a few days! I am able to get involved in a church and small group and I have met some amazing people who have shaped my life!

I have made awesome friendships! The friends I have made and had over this year have changed my life. I am so thankful for them. I even got a chance to catch up with old friends recently as well.

I have grown. looking back to where I was only a year ago. I know I have a long way to go but I know God is still using me.

As 2014 comes to a close I can say that I am happy that it is over. I am who I am now because of those experiences but I am ready for a fresh start and a new horizon to chase. So bring it on 2015 and bring me that horizon!

what I learned from: punching a door

[Note: no doors were harmed in the making of this post]

Now before you draw any crazy conclusions this is the first time I have ever punched anything! (besides a punching bag...which those are intended for punching) People release anger in different ways. For me, typically, I need to run. I love running sprints when I am angry because I get all my energy out. If I can't run I usually hit a field hockey ball at a wall for a while or I take my lacrosse stick and throw the ball at a pitch back. So, I am a pretty active person. Option 1: Currently, I cannot run. I injured both of my feet and it hurts to put pressure on them. (It totally stinks!) So, that is out of the question. Option 2: Sports. Well, considering I live in Colorado and there is snow on the ground limits things. I do not have a lacrosse stick with me and it is too dark to see anything much less hit a field hockey ball around...in the snow...in the middle of the woods.

Needless to say, tonight I was stuck. Unfortunately, I love watching movies and in movies characters are found destroying things in anger. Sometimes they punch walls out of rage, break things, throw things around, and various other acts of destruction.So in turn, my thought process went a little like this:

"I am so angry right now! I just want to throw something! Well, my phone is closest and already in my hand...no I can't, my phone its from work and if that breaks....
I could punch a wall. But...I don't really feel like fixing a hole in the wall with spackle or drywall. Punching a pillow won't help at all. Oh how about that door!"

That all happened in the matter of me standing up and walking downstairs. Our laundry room door was torn apart by my roommates dog this past summer. My thought was if she is going to replace it anyways another hole won't hurt. I wound up and hit the door with the side of my fist and then knelt on the ground and started crying to God.

Now, hours later I sit with a bruised hand and a brokenness I cannot quite explain. It is humbling being brought to your knees before your Creator. Sometimes when life makes it too hard to stand you have to kneel. It is scary not being in control. When you feel like everything around you is just falling apart. God calls us to surrender. To give up the things we hold onto so tight. He is saying, "Give it to me! I know it hurts and I know you are scared but I can make it better. Give it to Me and I will carry you through it. We can do it together. Just trust Me, trust that I can do this."

That is what I learned when I tried to punch a door. In the end, it did not help anything and I do not think I ever plan to try it again.

thankful for: family

We used to host Christmas Eve at our house. We had it there for about 15 years with my dad's side of the family. What makes Christmas so special to me are these times I am able to spend with family. And like every family we have our own traditions.

Every Christmas Eve we would cook in the morning then head to get ready. As we waited for our aunts, uncles and cousins to arrive we would be snacking on appetizers as my mom would warn us not to eat them all. Family would start to arrive and our house would be filled with laughter and noise. My dad is one of seven boys and most of the uncles are able to make it for this family gathering. All the cousins would run around and my grandma would find a place on the couch to talk to everyone and catch up on our lives. I would used to try and corral all the young cousins and attempt to put on a play of Joseph and Mary and baby Jesus. It never seemed to go as smoothly as I expected. I do think the adults were entertained by the effort. We would eat dinner in waves because there was not enough seating for all the cousins at once. Then we would be sent off to play in the basement and the adults would eat and chat. After dinner we would be treated to an incredible assortment of cookies that my mom usually made. As we gathered around the table to eat the adults, with kids in laps and piled on chairs, would start a game of White Elephant. Now our family is very good at this game. We take gifts that we have received or old things around the house and wrap them up ant attempt to get another family member stuck with them. We had a few items that went around from year to year. Such as: a loaf of bread, fish eggs, a pig cookie jar, cologne set, silk gold flower pillow and many more! It would always be exciting to see who would get what that year.

We would sit around the table and eventually the younger cousins would get pj's on and get put in cars. Goodbyes would be said and it was sort of a game on making sure you gave everyone a hug before they left. With the party being at my house a tradition started where everyone would try and not leave with their white elephant gifts. My brothers, sister, parents and I would try and keep tabs on each cousin, aunt and uncle as they left to make sure they had their gifts. We would do sweeps around the house as people left and check hiding places. Every year they left things. One time my uncle left and then drove back around and put the silk pillow in our mailbox and drove off again. My brother chased his car all the way out of the development. We would find random gifts hidden all over the house on Christmas day in beds, stockings, behind our tree and various places.

The past three years Christmas Eve is now at my Uncle Chris' house. The first year my dad decided to get back for the 15 years we would have gifts left behind. Our mission: was to not leave the house with anything. We arrived with about ten army men hidden in our pockets each and we were to leave them hidden around the house. We left all of our white elephant gifts as well. This has become a new tradition the past few years and my aunt and uncle still find army men around the house throughout the year. We have hid them in nativity scenes, Christmas trees, bathrooms, and pantries (just to name a few)

Christmas is a time full of family and traditions. I love my family and the fun quirky games we play at parties. I am missing the Christmas Eve party this year but I am blessed to have the opportunity to go home for a few days and spend the holidays with my family. That is what makes Christmas so magical for me...my family. I love houses filled with laughter, good food, fun games and love. It is what makes a family a family. No matter the time or distance when you gather it is a time of community and fun. My family has shaped me and I love the uniqueness of it all. My friends came to a family party once and after it was over they told me it made sense to who I am. I am proud of who I am, My cousin and I have joked that the ultimate test for our future husbands will be a party with my uncles. I will warn you if you ever come to a McGann party you may not be prepared for all that it entails. ;)

thankful for: friends

[In honor of one of my friends moving back home today] There are people in your life that make it hard to say good bye. There are people that make you laugh so hard that you cry (and get a pretty good ab workout from it) There are people who take you on adventures outside of yourself. There are people that love you more than you deserve sometimes. These people have been my friends. I have experienced all of these things in so many different forms throughout the years.

I remember my first friend. Her name was Cassie and we lived in South Carolina. She had a trampoline and it was the coolest thing ever! We used to run through a field and over a tiny hill to each others houses. I remember once we sat on the grassy slope between our houses. I remember us being upset about me moving away. I was five when I moved to New Jersey and it was a new adventure with new friends.

Elementary school seems like a blur. I remember faces, recess and playing house under a big oak tree. These faces followed me all the way through to high school. Friendship seems so simple when you are little. "Hey, you like the color blue?! So do I!" Instant friends. Now it is more complex. As you get older you go through more. You have more history that is brought into a friendship. My friends from grade school know about my awkward stages. They have seen me in my big over-sized t-shirts that I wore because for some reason I thought it was cool. They know about my third grade crushes and my high school boyfriend. Those memories have shaped who I have become. I still have friends who walk that journey with me. I have friends from college who helped me establish my faith. I have friends who were there for my first heart break and some who have been there for every one since then. I have friends who have threatened to beat up guys for me and sat and listened as I tried to figure out God's will for my life. I have friends who call me just to have someone to talk to even if we are all the way across the country from each other. As time passes friendships change. We all grow in different ways but at the same time we have grown together.

I am able to go home for Christmas for a few days this year. A few of my friends from grade school and high school are going to get together. Whenever we get together there is always tons of laughter as we bring up of old names and stories from when we were younger. We fill in each other about current lives and things we have been going through. We live lives separate from each other, all five of us living in different states. When we get together, no matter the time or how much has changed, it is still us.

Friendship can bring so much joy and also so much pain. I have lost friends over the years because of disagreements or different paths in life. It has been a struggle for me to watch those friendships that I invested in for years just seem to disintegrate like they were nothing to begin with. There is always a level of risk when you open yourself up to another broken person. It is a risk we all take because God created us to thrive and desire connection with each other. I have spent most of my life in fear of letting people get close because the closer you get to someone the closer you get. Over the years, unfortunately, I have come to believe that when you let someone that close they will eventually leave. I have experienced it and felt the pain as another friendship ends and I do not know why.

I have had friends that prove me wrong. There have been friends who have pushed past the walls I spent years trying to build. These people showed me so much about what it looks like to love. They bring a new definition to the term 'friendship' and have taught me how to be a better friend. This new stage in life has brought its joys and struggles and I am so thankful I have people in my life who have been there through it all. (And most likely have so many embarrassing stories to tell) So thank you to all my friends! I thank you for believing in me, for pushing me, for loving me, for calling me out, stretching me and even at times reminding me who I am.

"Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold. A ring is round it has no end, that's how long I want to be your friend."

thankful for: memories

I love taking pictures and videos. My friends have been victims of my video documenting many times. Every time I look at a picture I see a memory. Memories scroll through my head like a movie and I can replay memories in my head. That can be a good...or a bad thing.

When I was in college, for extra credit, I helped out the graduate counseling department by volunteering to get counseled. It was my freshman year of college and it coincidentally happened right after my first boyfriend broke up with me. I did not know what to expect when I walked over to the graduate building for my first session. Each would be 45 minutes long and there would be nine sessions. I was not sure if I could figure out what to talk about for that long. All I remember was a small room with a two way mirror. I would go in every Monday night for nine weeks and sit down in a plush blue chair. She would ask me what I wanted to talk about or bring up something she remembered from a previous session and I would go off. With it still being my freshman year I had not made many really close friends at that point, no one to confide in about my broken heart and end of my first relationship. I found comfort in talking through everything. I learned through that process that I am an external processor.

Near the end of my time my counselor asked me a few things. First, she wondered why I went into so much detail with stories. I can get very descriptive when I share stories or feelings with someone. There were friends in college who I noticed would zone out and eventually tell me to get to the point. She asked if it was me trying to take the entire time. I left that session feeling confused. I told stories in so much detail that it annoyed people...why? I started to wonder that myself for a long time. The answer came when I attended FLI. We took a strengths test and my number one strength is includer. When I told my mom I remember her laughing at how true that was.

As an includer I love to make people feel, you guessed it, included. Includers hate the idea of exclusivity and people feeling left out. On the opposite side of that, as an includer, I love to feel included. A part of that strength comes through my story telling. I want people to understand a story fully, like they were there with me. Like they were a part of the story. So there are times I may go into too much detail to make others feel included. I refer to it now as rambling and a few of my friends are patient enough to steer me in the right track otherwise I can get caught up too much in the memory.

I find when I tell stories I am back at that time. I love reminiscing with friends because I go back to that experience. The other night I was blessed to be able to meet up with a few old friends from FLI and catch up on life. We talked about how God has stretched and shaped us in the past few years, where we are now and, of course, we reminisced at some old memories. It was fun to have a chance to go back with them. Memories bring back so much! There are times I can get caught in a day dream of a memory and get lost in the past. I love having good memories to go back to. I even love having the tough memories. Although they are painful to go back to I am thankful I can learn from those memories.

Memories shape us and change us bit by bit. Like a river. The water courses through and is constantly changing. Maybe that river remembers the different people who have floated down it, the fish who swam through or the men who fished at the banks. But years and years the water will shape and change that river bank until it looks a little different. It is still in the same place but those experiences have changed it. Memories can cause pain or joy and it is up to us to determine how they change and shape us in the long run.

thankful for: silence

I recently bought a car. My first big purchase! I feel quite like an adult now, especially with all the new bills. I upgraded from my loyal volvo to a more rugged jeep. I have really enjoyed it! It made it's first road trip out to the Grand Canyon and back in September with my best friend. I have named it AJ (which stands for Adventure Jeep) and I plan on having many more adventures in it!

The only thing that was missing when I bought it was... a stereo. As a lover of music believe me that was a disappointment. The old owner took out the face plate when they sold it. All I thought was I had to get a new face plate for the stereo and it would be fine but it will cost more than I thought...so at the moment I am stereo-less. After a week or so I could not stand the silence it brought. I did not want to think. Thinking was not good at the time and having no way to drown out my thoughts I could not escape. I stopped driving for a while and tried to avoid going anywhere. As I got involved in a Bible study and wanting to see friends and buy food I could not avoid for very long. Little did I know that over time I would come to welcome the silence and the comfort it brought.

Sometimes I get so busy I forget to think...or I get busy on purpose so I do not have to think. It was at a time where God wanted to speak to my heart and forced me to have time with Him. Unfortunately, I did not want to open my heart up to Him. Weeks and weeks went by and He slowly broke me down until I started to really enjoy the car rides I would take to and from camp. I started to look forward to the silence. I would look forward to the time I could sit and pray and talk to God. It was hard at first and there were rides I could not see the road through my tears. God has used this time of silence to fill it with His love.

I love driving now and taking others with me gives us a chance to talk without the distraction of music. Do not get me wrong I LOVE music and I am always listening to something. But, not having music to drown out God's voice gives me a chance to be open to Him. I will eventually get a stereo but I am in no rush and I know when I do I plan on still making time for silent rides with God. I am thankful for silence and the truth it reveals, even when it can sometimes be painful.

thankful for: the Christian family

Ever have one of those moments where you meet someone for the first time and you already seem to have some connection like you have known each other forever!? I used to think it was so rare and then I started traveling with Axis. All over the country I would meet people who shared my love of Christ and the gospel and because that makes up so much of who we are...we connected. We have this bond that will never be broken. I have family all over the country now that I never knew I had! It is amazing the impact the Christian community has.
Recently, I have been reminded of that power both with strangers and old friends I have not talked to in a while.
I 'concentrated' in Youth Ministry while in college. I wish I could say minor but it was not an option as a minor at my university so I just took as many classes as I could. One of my favorite classes was about small groups and it was a small class. There were about 9 of us plus the professor. We all got pretty close in the course of the semester. The other day I got a message from one of the girls and we all started catching up and sending prayer requests and encouragement to each other. It was so fun to see us all come together after almost 3 years!

Last week, I was sitting in Starbucks going through Galatians before my Bible study. As I was packing up, the man next to me took off his headphones and asked what church I attended. I was surprised by the question but started talking to him for a bit about church and life. He saw the book I was reading and asked what I was studying for. It was so incredible to make a connection with a brother in a coffee shop. You never know where you will meet new family!

Tonight, I was meeting with a new group that just arrived at camp. One of my summer staff girls was there with her dad. Her dad gave me a hug and saw the walking boot on my foot. He started asking about it and they ended up praying for healing for my foot. He continued to encourage me with scripture and spoke truth into my life. I have only met this man one other time and his heart for God was so inspiring!

No matter where we are there is family everywhere. We may not ever meet them or we may be best friends and live in community together. Either way you have that lifelong connection being one in Christ.  I am so thankful for this family who share such a strong connection with. They are incredible!

thankful for: growing

Recently a friend of mine, while traveling, stayed at my parents house and was able to bring back a few books for me when he returned. One of those books was my old diary. Now I journal, but I used to have a Hello Kitty diary growing up.

(believe me there is a difference!) I got it for my seventh birthday and used it all the way up through high school. My last entry is the day before I graduated. It was hard to keep up with when I was younger but I was determined to finish it!
The reason I asked for it back out in Colorado was because I wrote a bucket list in it and I wanted to see what I wanted to do with my life when I was 15 years old. I continued to read through it and felt embarrassed by some of the thing I wrote. I was quite dramatic as a teenager. At the moment whatever problem I was going through seemed to be the end of the world! Which for me in my little high school/middle school world...it was. I look back on those times now and laugh at myself. I seemed to write down every meticulous thing I ever did. One Saturday I spent "cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning"...thank you younger Kaitlin. That was fascinating! I realize things in life change and I have grown a lot since I was in high school.
Through the pages I can see myself in my room writing and being frustrated, hurt, mad or excited. I remember those moments that affected me so much and smile at some of my dramatic flair. I used to want to journal and one day show my daughter my old journals and let her read them and learn from them. Re-reading that diary made me realize I do not think I will do that anymore. At least not for that book. Those pages are coated with lost friendships, broken dreams, fights with parents, school woes and crushes that came and went. Although I went to church growing up I never knew how to live out the Christian life. I never knew what that looked like. So, that is what I am thankful for. I am thankful for that book. I am thankful for those memories, although painful at the time brought me here. I am thankful for how much I have grown since high school. There are times I wish I could go back. Ever have that feeling? I wish I could go back to middle school where the most pressing thing were report cards and if you still have friends. Life was smaller then. I still struggle with friendships but luckily no more report cards. :)
God still was able to see me where I am today when I was only a teenager. I am so glad he was willing to put up with all of that to bring me here. I bet the journal I am writing in now I will find 10 years from now and look back and laugh at myself. I will remember what I am going through and smile and thank God to where He has brought me since now. I hope I can look back. I want to know I am continually growing, even when it is painful and I have no idea what is next.
I learned a lot from my old diary. I even got to cross off three things off my bucket list!

thankful for: swings

Ever have one activity that just takes you back to your childhood??
Mine are swings. I have always loved swings! I do not know why but I always felt so free every time I would kick off that first time knowing I could go higher and higher if I just pumped my legs. There is not a care in the world when you are on a swing. You can go as high as you want or as slow as you want to.
My favorite ride at amusement parks were the swings as well. Roller coasters always scared me but being in a little bucket of a seat only held up by chains as you swung higher and higher never seemed to. I would always just tip my head back and put my arms out and close my eyes and just for a moment I would pretend I was flying.

Swings have always been associated with happiness for me. Pure, unfiltered joy. I recall memories with swings at the beach with my family, at playgrounds with friends having good conversations while swaying back and forth, and memories of our old play-set in my backyard that my dad built us. Swings are always moving. I guess you can say I can relate to that. I am constantly moving. If I sit still for too long I feel like I am going to explode! After traveling with Axis for a year and a half you would think I would like that I am in one place for a while. As much as I love camp I am starting to go stir crazy. I do not think we were made to stay still. We were created to evolve and change. Although this is a very post modern idea, it sometimes seems that the only constant in life is change. I never want to feel stuck, like I am not moving forward or growing. That is right as you just sit in a swing. You cannot sit in a swing without moving. I think it is impossible. It is like eating one potato chip. I dare you to do it! It is hard. You cannot live a life without movement.

It seems that when I start to get comfortable I start to move again. More often than not, there is something pushing me toward movement again. There are times I jump at the chance to move with it and others I am digging my heels in the ground gripping for the swing to stop. God seems to like to throw a twist in every now and again. Yes, currently I am physically in one place for more than 2 days. Yes, that is weird for me because I do not see myself leaving any time soon. Emotionally and spiritually God has been pulling me back on a giant swing. This time I seem to be resisting. I am comfortable with swaying back and forth with my feet on the ground but He wants to send me flying forward to where I can lean my head back, close my eyes and stretch out my arms.

So I am thankful for swings that remind me of childhood, joy and the feeling of flying! 

thankful for: athletics

I have a boot on my foot. It is quite uncomfortable and it hinders me from keeping up with my 'east coast pace.' I have never been a fan of running until recently. All my life being involved in sports it was used as a form of punishment so I have always dreaded it. Now that I am not able to run I miss it. It has become a form of therapy and a way to release stress. While traveling I would love to break out in the cool crisp air on a fall day and pound off each stress as my feet hit the ground. Yesterday I was reminded of the amazing impact being a part of sports and athletics has had on my life.

I watched as students ran, pushed, lifted and squatted as they worked their bodies to the max at an FCA event. I smiled and cheered as I hobbled along side them as they ran up and down an inside turf field. Between each event these student leaders huddled together in prayer, asking God to give them strength and encouraging each other through each task. After 8 physically draining competitions each team was worn out. We could all see it on their faces. They were physically spent but their minds were still going. One of the FCA leaders got up and started to explain their last task. Before she started she asked the crowd of sweaty students who their I.D was. They responded "only J.C." (Jesus Christ) She yelled in a louder voice and asked how they competed. The students enthusiasm was present through their exhaustion and they yelled back "1 on 1!" This was their chance to have a one-on-one. This final activity was a 1 mile run around the outside of the building. She explained that this was their time of worship. This mile could be taken as fast or slow as you want it and just pray and talk to God. She talked about praying for an upcoming season, difficulties at home or anything they wanted to. With each step they were to just spend time with the Creator who gave them this ability through sports.

I was helping with the clean-up as the students started their mile and made it outside as the first ones crossed the finish line. There was cheering all around as each student passed through and finished. Before I knew it there was hugging, high fives and more and more clapping. I saw each of these students completely spent but going back for their teammates to finish with them. There was one girl who was struggling to finish and one of her leaders went back out to find her. As they crossed the finish line the entire group burst into cheering. I watched as these leaders were hugging and some crying but all of them were encouraging each other. As we headed inside I was walking with one of the leaders and the girl who finished at the end ran up and gave her a hug and I heard her say, "Thank you for coming back for me." I could hear her emotion in her voice and knew that it meant so much to her.

My heart was soaring as I packed up at the end of the night. It was such a great time hanging out with these students who are part of leadership teams at their schools. They can take what they learned yesterday back to every part of their lives. In the end, the point of the event was to keep focus on God through it all even in the midst of intense competition.

That is what being an athlete is about. To be able to leave it all on the field, mat, or court when you finish. But, the ability to glorify God through it all is what separates the Christian athletes. We have one big cheerleader that will never get quiet. He is not only at every game but a every practice, every scrimmage, every pre-season workout. He is glorified by us realizing that He gave us this ability and by giving it back to Him is the biggest blessing of all. Because at the end of the day when we are extremely spent and can't take another step He comes back for us and we get to finish the race together.

thankfulness

A few years ago, during the month of November I did a post every so often of things I was thankful for. Although always, at this time of year, I am reminded I should be thankful every day. I am going to start that up again.

I started a workout plan back in the summer. It was hard to keep up with it with my foot injured but I tried as best I could. This fall I started to get more into it. The trainers are really awesome and the community they have built is incredible! I have really enjoyed it so far. I must admit it is hard to follow some of the nutrition plans when we have groups every weekend and the food provided is great but not what I need.

Sidetracked...anyways a few weeks ago, along with a weekly workout plan they put other challenges in. Not just working out but afternoon/evening challenges. They encourage their community to love who they are and what they do. One challenge was to write down, every hour throughout the day, something you are thankful/grateful for. I took that challenge!! I had a notebook on my desk and set an alarm on my phone for every hour. Every time the alarm went off I wrote down something that I was thankful for. As the day progressed I noticed something...I was in such a great mood! I was so happy and as I would write something down I would pray thanking God so much for putting that in my life. It was such a great day! I started looking forward to that bell to be able to turn and pray for that thing that God had blessed me with.

It is sad that it took a random workout plan for me to see how many things I need to be grateful for in my life. I have an amazing family, pretty fun place to work & live, incredible friends that keep me grounded and laughing, a church I am able to get involved with, ability to move and use my body for sports or even work and I could go on and on. I have started taking the time to be more grateful. Starting off every prayer with just thanksgiving and letting God's blessings wash over and humble me.

So although this is a theme around this time of year I am going to hitch myself on the bandwagon and join in on sharing a few things, this month, on what I am thankful for. Maybe I will keep it going all year....

my story

Sitting around the table we laugh, eat and pray. We are now starting to share stories. Not just any stories but our own stories. The story of our journey that brought us to Christ and how He has carried us since. I look at the women around the table and realize how different we all are but the thing that brought us together in the first place was Christ.
As we have gone through Galatians as a small group we have seen the impact vulnerability has in community. In result of that, each week a few people have started sharing their personal testimonies. I sit there and watch their faces and hear their journeys. We listen to their trials and our hearts ache and we see God's love and redemption through each praise. Now their stores are mine, their struggles are my struggles, and their joys are my joys. We are a community and we are able to lift each other up and love each other more.
Tonight my story will become theirs. I am nervous because I have never shared my testimony before in full. I have told stories and experiences but never the whole thing. I like to think of it more as a story than anything else. God is sharing a bit of His grander story through me. Through all the things I am able to do, all the lives I can be a part of and through all the lessons I have learned. We make such an impact to the people around us. Whether we are in an office or out in the world sharing the gospel, God has a way to make each of us make a huge impact.
Bob Goff writes, "I used to be afraid that if I was authentic I might take a hit, but now I know that being real means I will take a hit."
I have talked about identity and struggling with being myself. Recently I am figuring out more of who that person looks like. I am trying to learn to be comfortable in my own skin and not worry about how others perceive me. I am learning to be vulnerable and to be real. My whole life I have hidden behind walls for fear of getting hurt but God calls us to live a life of reckless abandon and to love with all we are. That means being vulnerable and that means getting hurt. In the end, I believe it will be worth it and I will learn something through the pain. Until then, I plan on loving hard and loving extravagantly even if it doesn't make sense. I plan on being real and being myself even if people do not get it.
Will you?

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." -C.S. Lewis

journeys and lessons

Ever have one of those times where God is teaching you something and it seems that that thing just seems to appear over and over again?? For instance, the pastor preaches about it on Sunday, you meet a friend and they mention something similar, and your Bible study is going through the same exact thing. Or you even meet someone for the first time and then you realize you see them everywhere! There is actually a name for it. It is called the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, this is when you learn something for the first time and then you end up hearing about it or seeing it quite often after that. If you are learning this fun fact for the first time I bet you will hear it in conversation more frequently now. :) 
I have been reading through the Bible from cover to cover. I started in May hoping to finish at the end of the summer but I overestimated some of the books. Leviticus...was very long. But I am working my way through the prophets now and I have really enjoyed it. My goal now is to read through the entire Bible before the new year! I have loved reading the story of Israel. I have seen how much I identify with the people of Israel. God calls them out of a place of slavery and promises to love and protect them. They do okay for a bit but then they get a little self reliant believe that they could do things on their own. They start to fumble and forget God and then they get captured again or get scared that they would be killed and they cry out to God and ask for forgiveness. The amazing thing about this story is that our God is an amazing and gracious God who loves us and forgives us. I see myself in this story because I do that too. I see myself as a lost Israelite not sure where to go and scared and God comes in and saves me. I get comfortable there and start thinking that I am okay to be on my own. So, I try it. I try to do my own thing and I try to make my own plan but I sink. I forget that I need God in my life and when I go back to Him, He is gracious enough to welcome me back into His arms and forgives me. I know I will fumble and fail but knowing that God is on the other side ready to love me makes me believe I can get through anything! 

relationships

Looking at the title of this post I can only imagine what you think this may be about. I may surprise you, I may not but I have been known to "not be typical."

Through my travels with Axis and just in life I have seen many relationships. Some good, some not so good. But through each one I have learned something. The other night I was eating dinner with my boss'. They have been married for 20 years now and they direct the camp I work at. It was all the directors working the other night at dinner and when we sat down to eat there were gifts on the table from the group. The guys each got a light key chain and us girls got a notebook. My boss started opening up his key chain and started shining it in his wife's face. She grabbed one to retaliate and it ended up being a dud and not working well. Then she got another and they were going back and forth of a bit. He ended up with both at some point and that ended the battle. I sat there and laughed as they giggled and bantered back and forth. It was fun to experience. They do not have any kids and they are constantly together. They are best friends and they love going on adventures. I keep learning a lot from their relationship.

God has taught me a lot about relationships in the past few years. Whether it's friendships, relationships with my family, with guys, or watching many married couples in different stages of life. I have reshaped a lot of my ideals I had about relationships and what they 'should' look like. I have taken steps back and been stretched this past year.

The last few weeks I have had multiple people ask me if I am married. One in particular made me laugh. His wording was, "Have you husbanded up yet, Kait?" I have never been asked that before and not so much in a short amount of time. No, I am not "husbanded" up yet. I am not seeing anyone. One big thing I have learned over this past year is that I am not ready yet. That sounds so dumb. I keep thinking to myself that you can never really be ready for anything. Marriage is huge. If I ever get married it will be one of the biggest decisions in my life. Does that terrify me? Yes! Completely! But right now I am content in God shaping me into a godly woman.

I have no idea what the future holds for me. I am happy where I am. I hate the idea that women need a man in their lives to be complete. As cheesy as this may sound, I have one and He isn't going anywhere. I still wrestle with the understanding of how much He loves me, but I am learning. All I know is that if God decides to bring someone into my life I hope I am worthy of that man. I hope I grow in patience, grace, honor, and so many other things. God is preparing my heart. For what?? I have no clue. But I am strapping in for this ride.

broken

It's funny how we pray. There are times, I confess, that I pray to God like a genie. "God please grant me this..." "I pray that this will happen..." And usually it never works. I don't know why I do it. Then there are times I pray for something and He does something crazy. I've been learning that you pray for something and God gives you the opportunity to do that thing. 

For example this summer...my job is stressful and being thrown into summer with never being in a management position like this was difficult. One morning I was walking down to breakfast praying that I would not be stressed and that I would learn to breathe and not be overwhelmed with everything. And instead of making me unstressed God decided to give me opportunities to make me stressed to teach me to work through it. Smart guy....

Then at the end of July I prayed a dangerous prayer. I asked God to break me. I prayed this prayer once before my senior year of college and...man did He deliver. I was broken down to nothing. In July, I felt Him calling me back to His heart in a new way and I prayed it one night. I guess, again, I didn't know what I was asking for. 

He has been breaking me. Hard. But through all the brokenness and pain I see that He is trying to build me up in a new way. With a heart closer to Him. With trust and dependence on Him. It hurts and He knows that. But through it all He is working in me. 

I have talked so much about relationships and community and how God has created us for that. He has but I think when we start to put that community as a replacement for Him it gets messy. Even a really good thing can turn into an idol in our lives. There are some things only God can do. Only things God can heal or fix or make completely new. And it's our job to trust Him to do that. As much as I love my community I can't rely on them to fix everything for me. That's what I have been learning. Through my brokenness there is only one place to turn. Yes, friends can listen, love me, and give advice but only God alone can build me back up again. As much a I want to know what happens next He is in control. 

This may be just a pep talk for myself than for anyone. There are times when it is time to start putting your own advice into practice. As much as the "break me" prayer has hurt. I do not regret it and I am glad I make dangerous prayers. God is going to build me up stronger and although it's hard I am excited to see what I learn in the end. 

What dangerous prayer will you be brave enough to pray?? 

3 am ponderings

I guess you can say I am a late night thinker. It's 3 am and I always seem to have my best brain moments when I am on lack of sleep. (or my best lax game too) Maybe because this is me...unfiltered so to say. It's when I don't have logic in the way of how I think and whatever I am feeling just comes out through words. I hate when you try and sleep and your thoughts just keep you up.
I was looking at the stars tonight and they always seem to leave me speechless. I always wish I could capture them in a picture but it never turns out. Just a black screen. It hit me tonight that sometimes I try and capture moments rather than just experience them. Ever get that feeling? When instead of living out a moments you automatically reach out your phone/camera to capture it. I love capturing memories. I love looking back at pictures and reliving those moments. My walls are filled with pictures of moments that just make me smile. One of my siblings and I, one with my best friend from college, one with my dad and I in goofy outfits, one when I hiked my first 14er, one at a friends wedding and I can go on and on.
But do we sometimes forget to live them? Do we hide behind a screen or a phone just to capture something instead of being a part of something bigger? When I am laying on my death bed I want to be surrounded by pictures but those pictures won't go with me. Only the memories will, the relationships that I make and invest in. So many times I try to capture God's awe-some beauty in creation and when I snap that picture it looks so...adequate. We focus on capturing a moment. When maybe we are just supposed to enjoy it. Donald Miller once wrote that, "The mountains themselves call us into greater stories." We are supposed to live it. Take it in, breathe it in, and soak it all up. But are we sometimes scared? That if we don't take the opportunity to take that picture or video that that moment will be lost forever.
I hate fears. They hold us back from so much. They hold us back from taking risks and living life. They may hold us back from really investing or trying in a relationship or going on an adventure or trying something new. Why do we fear so much? When in scripture it says over 200 times "Do not fear..." Why do we jump to fear so often? How do we get over it?
What do you fear?
I fear...failure. I fear rejection. I fear not doing something because I was too afraid. (a bit ironic) I want to live life in the moments. Not hiding behind things. I am good at avoiding. I hide behind other worlds like movies, tv shows or books. I get lost in a world that is not my own. Because of fear. I guess that explains why I am up this late...or early, you decide. I did the same thing my freshman year of college. This fear is the fear of me. The fear of being alone with my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes quiet is violent. (twenty-one pilots reference there) So, I avoid. It always catches up to me in the end. Usually starting with one of these nights.
Ultimately I fear a lot and I have been learning that the risks are worth it. When I am in battle with a fear and decide to face it head on...I am aware of the risk. It doesn't mean it is not scary anymore. Doesn't mean I am ready for what could get thrown at me. It means...I am willing to try. I am willing to face my fears because maybe I think it's worth it. And in the end, it usually is. Whether or not it turns out the way I planned, God always seems to stretch me through it all.
I don't know who reads this blog. These are just thoughts that I have that I sometimes decide to post on the interwebs. I pray that they get you to think. Usually I start with a thought and end up with something completely different. This post is unfiltered and I hope the late night ponderings of Kaitlin will reach someone...somewhere. But maybe they won't and I am okay with that. I am always astounded in what ways God is able to use me. Half of these posts I look back read and realize that was not me. It is me in the grammar sense and misspellings but it's God through it all. I hope He is able to reach you too. Wherever you are in the world or in life. Thank you for reading. And on that note I think I have exasperated my brain for the night and am ready to fall asleep. :)

What defines you?

|| In the honor of #tbt. This is a post I wrote almost a year ago and never posted it. I was in Minnesota while traveling with Axis. Enjoy:) ||

America. I love traveling and I would love to see the whole world but I consider America my home. I love learning about different cultures and got a chance to do that this past week at a school we spoke at. About one third of the school is made up of international students. Students from countries like; Norway, China, Taiwan, Bermuda, Korea, Ethiopia, and Germany to just name a few. I had some really awesome conversations with students from Norway and I learned some interesting facts about Norway.

Here is what I learned:

1. Chocolate and candy is way better in Norway

2. They miss the mountains 

3. The food in America is not very fresh

4. The music, culture and style is very similar

5. The water is better in Norway 

One of the most interesting things I learned was about the people. One student told me that Americans are more outgoing but it takes a lot to actually get to know that person while Norwegians are more quiet and closed off but once you get to know someone they are very open. I started to think about what she said and I can't help but agree in some aspects. Our culture seems to encourage a certain type of outgoiningness and to be social but not let anyone get to close. So we hide ourselves. 

God created us for relationships and a want to connect to others but through experiences we close up and put up a facade or a mask. I know I have struggled with opening up and being myself because of past experiences when I have opened up and gotten hurt. So that is why we hide behind masks. We talk about identity in our presentations. Sometimes we find our identity in success, in sports, in school or in relationships. We hide behind those things for fear of letting people see us. We are made in the image of God (imago dei) and we should be finding our identity in him. But we fail at that sometimes and we wrap our lives around certain things. I love this quote by Tim Keller:

 "Sin isn’t only doing bad things, it is more fundamentally making good things into ultimate things. Sin is building your life and meaning on anything, even a very good thing, more than on God. Whatever we build our life on will drive us and enslave us. Sin is primarily idolatry." 

When we put things before God they become idols in our lives. Even building our lives around something good can be turned into an idol. It seems we turn the things we love into idols in our lives. So what do you love? What drives you? What do you spend so much time doing or working towards that hides who you are to the people around you? Ultimately, what do you hide behind? 

In his book, Love Does, Bob Goff asks a really good question, "God asks if we will give up that thing we're so proud of, that thing we believe causes us to matter in the eyes of the world, and give it up to follow Him. He's asking us, 'Will you take what defines you, leave it behind, and let me define who you are instead?'"

I think many times I hide because I am scared of what others may think of me, yet God, who knows everything about me, still accepts me. So are you willing to give up what you think defines who you are and let God define you? 

You were made to be courageous

In a moment everything can change.
If you have kept up with my blog you have heard me talk about Peter walking on water. If you haven't then here ya go!
I love that story but recently I have seen a different view of it. Yesterday we had a staff meeting and my boss was talking about the account in Mark 6 of Jesus walking on water. It was after He fed the 5,000 and went by himself on a mountain top to pray. I love the parts in scripture talking about Jesus going away to pray.
It says that "When it was evening, the boat was in the middle of the sea, and He was alone on the land. Seeing them straining at the oars, for the wind was against them, at about the fourth watch of the night He came to them walking on the sea..." (emphasis mine)
"Seeing them straining..." I have never picked up on that point before. Christ was on land and He could see them struggling through the storm. He knew they needed help. He could see them through the storm. Because He saw them, He walked out to them. My boss went onto say that in the midst of our storms Jesus sees us. He knows what we are struggling through. He can see the storm around us. A lot of times we pray for things to be easy, but I think God puts us through storms to make us stronger and to make us trust Him more. Scripture talks about how God never gives us more than we can handle and if He does He will give us a way out of it. He gives us way more than we can handle so we can learn to trust Him when we are in the middle of the storms.
Another thing I noticed was that yes, Jesus is walking on water. That is so cool! He calms the storm and saves Peter when he starts to sink and takes his eyes of Christ. But I think sometimes I forget that Peter walked on water too. He is the only guy I know, normal guy, to walk on water. (Well, I don't personally know him but you know what I mean.) How cool is that! He had the guts to take that step and actually do it.
I can't even imagine his thought process, "Oh wow I am walking on water. Look at me I am walking on water! Oh crap. I am walking on water. How is this possible? I am going to sink and the waves are going to knock me..." Well, that would be what I would be thinking. I feel like I second guess myself when I am doing something crazy. I start to tell myself, "How are you doing this? This doesn't make any sense." And that is when I feel like I look at the waves instead of on Christ. Those waves are doubts that can pull us under. Christ stands there with a smile on His face just saying, "Yes, you are walking on water! Trust that you can do this because I am here with you. I see that you're struggling and that you don't believe you can do it. But keep your eyes on Me and it will be ok."
In one moment Peter decided to act out of courage and take a step and WALK ON WATER! I want to keep taking steps of courage, even when I feel like I don't have it.
This summer I got a tattoo. My first one. It is on my foot and it says...can you guess?? Walk on Water. There was a week this summer I was really stressed with work and I was feeling really overwhelmed. I was struggling to just hold it together and I felt God telling me to stop looking at the waves because I was starting to drown. I have wanted a tattoo for 4 years or so now and I decided to act on it. Kinda crazy and you may not agree with tattoos and that is ok. It works for me and I love it as a reminder.
I will close with one of my new favorite songs. Oceans by Hillsong. I found out about it this past spring. If you haven't heard it I suggest you plug it in and close your eyes and just let the words wash over you.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters
wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than me feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my Savior

Update...

It's weird to go through day by day and nothing seems to change. But yet when you look back everything is different! That's how life has been the past few months. Except...there have been some days that have just changed everything. It only takes a moment. There are sayings about just having 20 seconds of insane courage and to see what happens. I should try that. Every day just have 20 seconds of insane courage, something that just makes me leap out of my comfort zone and learn to fly.
I love writing but lately I have been just living. I have been busy living life! I am not saying that I haven't been living up to this point or won't keep on living but I also want to do something different. And blogging for me, is different.
But before I get into new stuff I guess I should fill in about the past few months. Axis has ended and to tell you the truth I don't think I have processed through the whole thing. When chapters close it is always sad and this one was as well. A new part of my life has started but with that ends another. I know God has reasons for that chapter ending but it still is a little sad and painful in some ways. As soon as I process that I may divulge.
My experience with Axis was incredible and God taught me so much! Much of it you were able to read  here over my year and a half. Within the wake of Axis ending not only did a new chapter unfold but with it a brand new adventure!! (this is all an overview of things I will get into later) I am excited to see where God takes this journey and I must admit it has had me floating on cloud 9 for the past few months. Also keeping me in the air is my new job. I am now the new guest services director at the camp I have been working at the past few years! I went into the summer as the assistant to be thrown as the director within the first week because the girl in charge decided to leave. So since May 6th I have been running on air! That is how I can describe it.
I love my job. It brings fresh new challenges every single day and although it is not what I want to do the rest of my life I know God has called me here for a season in the wilderness. Both literally and figuratively (since I now live on a mountain) Summer has come and gone and I am still standing (somehow....) and now we start our fall season with a whole new way of life.
With Axis ending and camp life starting everything seemed to change at once. But since, there have been days where is feels like nothing has changed. Everyday presents new challenges and I actually miss the norm of being on the road. It is off to new adventures and new lessons to be learned! I will try and keep updating as well as living life. (so I can have more interesting things to update on)

Is this the end?

Another semester coming to a close and I admit I have not been doing a good job at updating my blog. I will have to do a mini recap later, but for now just a bit of news. We are on our second to last trip of the semester and I have been asked back for another year with Axis. I still do not know where God wants me or what my next step is. But, as I continue to pray and seek guidance about my a future I thought I would start writing just a few of the things that I have learned during my last year and a half with Axis. 

I will be doing an entry once a week (hopefully, keep your fingers crossed) about some of the things I have learned from God, my teams, students, and just people that I have gotten the chance to meet. It's so weird to look back a year ago and see where I was and compare that to where I am today. I can't say I am a completely different person but I can see in different ways how I have grown a lot. And because you have kept up with me I thought I would let you know in what ways I have changed. 

The future looks scary and I don't know what my life will look like a year from today but if it has been anything like the past year.....I know it's going to be quite the adventure. I only hope I can hold on tight enough for this ride God has planned. 

Highlight reel

One year ago, today, I started working with Axis.
One year ago, I cut my hair off.
One year ago, I was beginning to find my place in Colorado.
One year ago, I entered into a year of meeting amazing people all over the country.
It's always weird looking back on the past year when a new one waits on the horizon.  I have seen these Instagram year in review things on facebook, and of course instagram, and it is a little video/photo montage of their past year. It's like a mini highlight reel. Facebook also allows you to look through your biggest moments that were posted in the past year. Those things are pretty cool but do they get every moment? Do they see every feeling? Emotion?
We are so into posting things to social media. If you don't have instagram, twitter, facebook or snapchat to keep the world updated about your life you really don't have a life, according to the world of social media. And, yes, I admit I fall into that category. Like many of my friends, I feel like if I don't post enough about my life to keep up with others I am so behind. I mean I am already outside the norm with an old flip phone. So instead of letting Instagram or Facebook determine what my highlights were for 2013 I decided to look past the pictures and into the memories and what I learned this past year. So here is my highlight reel of 2013....just some things I have learned :) (these are in no particular order)

1. Cutting my hair taught me a lot about how I view myself and how much identity I found in my appearance. Plus....I kinda looked like Peter Pan with a pixie haha

2. Being myself is harder than I thought and I have learned a lot about who I am and what kind of person I am.

3. Catching your hair on fire during a presentation is a good conversation starter.

4. In life it is good to be able to laugh at your mistakes. We all make them but how you handle them really tells you what kind of person you are.

5. I LOVE Colorado! I love the hiking, the weather, the people, the mountains and everything about it! It has become home for me and I really enjoy living there.

6. There are people out there who really care about me and love me for who I am! It is amazing that God has put these people in my life. I have been extremely blessed with the friends I have!!

7. Attempting to flip around a hitching post is not usually a good idea...even when your friends can do it.

8. Letting others take care of you does not mean you are weak. It means you are cared for and should let others do things for you instead of being stubborn and trying to prove yourself and hurt yourself in the process. (that was a mouthful but you get the idea)

9. I continue to be a beast at Just Dance! Sometimes you need to just dance like no one is watching and you need to keep your inner child available to laugh and to just enjoy life. :)

10. God can give me strength through anything. I get nervous before I speak and I have been able to ease my nerves through His peace. He has been able to speak through me and I love being a part of it!

11. Opening up and being vulnerable is hard! It's hard to put yourself out there...not knowing what is going to happen. But not opening up is painful too. Guarding your heart is important but there is a line....still trying to figure it out though.

12. The guys in my life have shown me what a godly man looks like and I really value these friendships. I still will try at any moment to get into a guys head because I think it is fascinating. But they are teaching me not all guys are the same and I respect each of them so much!

13. God answers prayers in the best ways. Sometimes they are hardest lessons and sometimes they are in the form of people but whatever way He does it always turns out better than I could ever imagine.

I know there are so many more things that have stuck to me this past year but those are ones I thought off the top of my head. 2013 was a great year for me. As I look back at my highlight reel I see the faces of people that have impacted my life, the students I have been honored to speak to, the amazing places I have been able to travel, and the lessons God has taught me through it all. I am still growing and learning and I am no where near figuring it all out. I am really excited for this next year to see what adventure God continues to take me on.
What is your highlight reel? Not the pictures that facebook makes your year but the people and the memories that go more than the pictures. I think that's what really makes a highlight reel. :)