3 am ponderings

I guess you can say I am a late night thinker. It's 3 am and I always seem to have my best brain moments when I am on lack of sleep. (or my best lax game too) Maybe because this is me...unfiltered so to say. It's when I don't have logic in the way of how I think and whatever I am feeling just comes out through words. I hate when you try and sleep and your thoughts just keep you up.
I was looking at the stars tonight and they always seem to leave me speechless. I always wish I could capture them in a picture but it never turns out. Just a black screen. It hit me tonight that sometimes I try and capture moments rather than just experience them. Ever get that feeling? When instead of living out a moments you automatically reach out your phone/camera to capture it. I love capturing memories. I love looking back at pictures and reliving those moments. My walls are filled with pictures of moments that just make me smile. One of my siblings and I, one with my best friend from college, one with my dad and I in goofy outfits, one when I hiked my first 14er, one at a friends wedding and I can go on and on.
But do we sometimes forget to live them? Do we hide behind a screen or a phone just to capture something instead of being a part of something bigger? When I am laying on my death bed I want to be surrounded by pictures but those pictures won't go with me. Only the memories will, the relationships that I make and invest in. So many times I try to capture God's awe-some beauty in creation and when I snap that picture it looks so...adequate. We focus on capturing a moment. When maybe we are just supposed to enjoy it. Donald Miller once wrote that, "The mountains themselves call us into greater stories." We are supposed to live it. Take it in, breathe it in, and soak it all up. But are we sometimes scared? That if we don't take the opportunity to take that picture or video that that moment will be lost forever.
I hate fears. They hold us back from so much. They hold us back from taking risks and living life. They may hold us back from really investing or trying in a relationship or going on an adventure or trying something new. Why do we fear so much? When in scripture it says over 200 times "Do not fear..." Why do we jump to fear so often? How do we get over it?
What do you fear?
I fear...failure. I fear rejection. I fear not doing something because I was too afraid. (a bit ironic) I want to live life in the moments. Not hiding behind things. I am good at avoiding. I hide behind other worlds like movies, tv shows or books. I get lost in a world that is not my own. Because of fear. I guess that explains why I am up this late...or early, you decide. I did the same thing my freshman year of college. This fear is the fear of me. The fear of being alone with my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes quiet is violent. (twenty-one pilots reference there) So, I avoid. It always catches up to me in the end. Usually starting with one of these nights.
Ultimately I fear a lot and I have been learning that the risks are worth it. When I am in battle with a fear and decide to face it head on...I am aware of the risk. It doesn't mean it is not scary anymore. Doesn't mean I am ready for what could get thrown at me. It means...I am willing to try. I am willing to face my fears because maybe I think it's worth it. And in the end, it usually is. Whether or not it turns out the way I planned, God always seems to stretch me through it all.
I don't know who reads this blog. These are just thoughts that I have that I sometimes decide to post on the interwebs. I pray that they get you to think. Usually I start with a thought and end up with something completely different. This post is unfiltered and I hope the late night ponderings of Kaitlin will reach someone...somewhere. But maybe they won't and I am okay with that. I am always astounded in what ways God is able to use me. Half of these posts I look back read and realize that was not me. It is me in the grammar sense and misspellings but it's God through it all. I hope He is able to reach you too. Wherever you are in the world or in life. Thank you for reading. And on that note I think I have exasperated my brain for the night and am ready to fall asleep. :)