broken

It's funny how we pray. There are times, I confess, that I pray to God like a genie. "God please grant me this..." "I pray that this will happen..." And usually it never works. I don't know why I do it. Then there are times I pray for something and He does something crazy. I've been learning that you pray for something and God gives you the opportunity to do that thing. 

For example this summer...my job is stressful and being thrown into summer with never being in a management position like this was difficult. One morning I was walking down to breakfast praying that I would not be stressed and that I would learn to breathe and not be overwhelmed with everything. And instead of making me unstressed God decided to give me opportunities to make me stressed to teach me to work through it. Smart guy....

Then at the end of July I prayed a dangerous prayer. I asked God to break me. I prayed this prayer once before my senior year of college and...man did He deliver. I was broken down to nothing. In July, I felt Him calling me back to His heart in a new way and I prayed it one night. I guess, again, I didn't know what I was asking for. 

He has been breaking me. Hard. But through all the brokenness and pain I see that He is trying to build me up in a new way. With a heart closer to Him. With trust and dependence on Him. It hurts and He knows that. But through it all He is working in me. 

I have talked so much about relationships and community and how God has created us for that. He has but I think when we start to put that community as a replacement for Him it gets messy. Even a really good thing can turn into an idol in our lives. There are some things only God can do. Only things God can heal or fix or make completely new. And it's our job to trust Him to do that. As much as I love my community I can't rely on them to fix everything for me. That's what I have been learning. Through my brokenness there is only one place to turn. Yes, friends can listen, love me, and give advice but only God alone can build me back up again. As much a I want to know what happens next He is in control. 

This may be just a pep talk for myself than for anyone. There are times when it is time to start putting your own advice into practice. As much as the "break me" prayer has hurt. I do not regret it and I am glad I make dangerous prayers. God is going to build me up stronger and although it's hard I am excited to see what I learn in the end. 

What dangerous prayer will you be brave enough to pray??