dance like no one is watching

I find this appropriate for today. During the holiday season downtown Colorado Springs has a 'Downtown Stroll'. A few years ago a bunch of my friends and I headed down. We walked under lit trees, Christmas decked shops, listened to carolers, test tasted many things, danced, laughed, froze and ended the night with the most epic snow ball fight I have ever been a part of. (I believe I wrote about it 2 years ago)

introducing me: part 1

I am starting a series! I have not done this before (except for my thankfulness during November) and I will see how it works. This series is a little bit about me. So sit back, relax and be ready to enter the quirky world that is me. :)

adulting

It is weird growing up. I look around and I am sitting in an office of my own. I have my own phone, computer, email, and business cards! My walls are decked out with pictures of friends, family (as well as a gremlin) and cards from summer staff and groups that I have worked with at camp. I even have my own stapler! I have a house and picked up paper towels, milk, and bread the last time I ran to the store. I pay my bills and change my oil when I need to. 

What I learned this summer...

Another summer gone. As I look back on the past three months I have to smile. Although many times during the summer I was not smiling. I learned a lot and grew a lot. Recently a few people have commented that I must be glad summer is over. I typically have paused and thought through the last 13 weeks, smile and say no. As crazy as it was. As stressed as I was. As tired as I was...I actually miss it. I miss the noise and the music. I miss the laughter and yes even the confrontations that have made me stronger. Here is a list of a few things that I learned this summer (both good and bad)

heart smiles

Ever have one of those moments where you feel truly passionate about something? Where you can sense your eyes shinning and your heart feels so full!? I had one of those moments tonight and it had been so long since I felt like this that I wanted to skip around the room or go sing off of a mountain top.

Today was a great day! I was off and headed to the springs and church was held in the park and we spent the morning worshiping and in community eating lunch and playing games. I got to see some friends I haven't seen in a while and relax in the sunshine. It was a really great day with friends. I miss it sometimes. As I drove back to camp my love tank was definitely full ;)

rain and heartaches

I got out of my jeep and grabbed my sweatshirt. The temperature was about to drop and I could see the rain clouds forming in the distance. I didn't care. I just needed to walk around. After all day in the springs running errands I needed to just sit and breathe. I shoved my blanket and journal in my backpack and swung it onto my back and started on the trail.

The soft padding of my sneakers on the damp dirt seemed to relieve some of the stress that was building up in my chest. I found a bench and laid my backpack on the seat and walked to the edge of the path. It dipped down into a valley full of trails and rocks. Because of the rain and weather I did not see anyone walking around. Typically this park is full of people but I was grateful for the silence. I watched the clouds get thicker and darker and started to hear thunder rumble towards the east. Colorado Springs was laid out below me and I could see patches where the rain had already started.

I have always wanted to stand on the edge of a mountain and scream in the rain. Like the scene from the movie Garden State. There is something about rain storms that I have always loved. Growing up I would always love to curl up with a good book and read while the rain hit the windows. When the rain would stop the world smelled so fresh! Like the earth was just cleansed and it was a new beginning and things got washed away.

the table

I sat with my stomach and heart full. I looked around the table at these 5 amazing women and knew that they had changed my heart and my life for the better. We had shared the past 10 months of our lives together. We have been there through heart breaks, new houses, new relationships, and even sending a friend off to another state as she started a new adventure with her husband. There has been a steady stream of new fresh faces but there was a solid group of 7 throughout these past months. We have shared so many stories, laughs, phenomenal food and even some tears. We have encouraged and challenged each other as we read through scripture together.

unfiltered

There are somethings you wish you could say to people. There are times I wish my fear of approval did not hold me back from speaking my mind. Or maybe it is just the cultural idea of tolerance and acceptance that holds me back. What is it?

I was talking to a friend about this just the other day. They are struggling to figure out if they should say something to a friend or stay silent. And if they do say something how do they say it. As I listened to my friend I could not help but think of all the times I wish I would have said something but did not. Did I lack courage? Did I start to think too much about it? What stops me?

There are so many things I wish I could say. I have gotten better at saying things that are on my mind. Back in high school it would be like pulling teeth to get me to say what I felt about anything. I still struggle but have gotten better over the years.

what I left in Kansas

I have always liked road trips. Just the open road, good snacks (combos are a must) great friends, and of course a fantastic playlist to rock out to if it starts to get dull. Driving cross country with my dad was so much fun. I heard tons of stories of his growing up and we talked about God and life. We ate way too many veggie straws and found our love for McDonald's fruit smoothies. We listened to all the Beatles songs at least 5 times and took a bunch of videos and pictures of our journey.

With my best friend we packed up and headed to the Grand Canyon this fall to explore. My car was still stereo-less so we used her ipod and my cup holder to amplify the sound. We were packed with snacks and a great road map (she does not believe in GPS) and drove all night. We spent a lot of our trip laughing and telling stories as well as finding out just how comfortable the back of my jeep is to sleep in. (Note: pretty comfortable) I love traveling with people! Our road trips with Axis were always filled with great discussions, lots of naps and awesome dance parties.

little moments

There is beauty in grand adventures. The amazing ability to completely change your surroundings and completely step out of your comfort zone. I think there is so much beauty in the little moments. The tiny moments that are fleeting and if you do not notice them they are gone in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I try to live life by the big moments. I am realizing when I do that I miss things.

Last week it was my friends birthday. I worked all day and served the group their meal and raced to the springs to help make his cake. (Side note: we have gotten into a tradition of making cool cakes for each other on birthdays. First time I got a field hockey stick cake which was so good! From then there has been a brain, cat on a litter box, poop emoji, cats riding horses, mountains and last week a mario kart themed cake.)

right where You want me

Sometimes learning feels like trying to drink from a fire hydrant. There are books I read that take me months to get through because after ever few paragraphs, or even sentences, I need to stop and just process. I want to absorb it all but I feel like sometimes my brain can't hold it all in. I want to grow and learn so much! I want to study photography to be able to capture a moment. I want to learn about different languages and cultures. I want to study the science body language. I want to study scripture. I want to know more constellations. I want to do yoga on a paddle board without falling off. There are so many things to learn and experience and I don't know if I can fit it all in.

Most importantly, right now, I want to learn how to be a better friend. I want to learn how to trust God always and how to be still. I want to do my job well and serve people well. I want to be a good daughter and sister. I want to learn to be humble and have a servants heart. I want to learn to be honest and stand up for myself.

in the midst

I love being active. One of my rules at camp is that I will never drive to work. I live within a 1 min walk from my office so I refuse to drive. It has been pretty chilly up here some days and my nose hairs are frozen as soon as I step out my door. It is nice though to get out in the fresh mountain air. I do like my commute to work.

Every time I am walking and my boss drives by he asks if I want a ride. I turn him down most of the time because I like the walk. He still asks although he knows I will usually say no. He makes fun of my walking but he more calls it a run. He jokes that I am "running around camp all the time, seriously, running."(That could be a direct quote) He chuckles when I walk into the office out of breath from walking up the 'stairs of death' from the kitchen. He is constantly telling me to slow down. I find that hard.

Valentine's Day

I have never had an opinion of Valentine's Day. Growing up it was an excuse to eat as much candy as you wanted. It also involved picking out the coolest valentines day cards for the kids in your class and then later hoarding the candy in your room so you could hide it from your siblings....and maybe your mom. 

As I have gotten older it has changed. It is still a day of love but as I got into college it was a day my single friends seemed to desperately wish they were in a relationship. Beneath the "lets get all dressed up and go bowling then eat ice cream til 2 am" was a bitterness of being single during this day. 

I have never been in a relationship over Valentine's Day. So you could say I have never really had "a Valentine" before. I am ok with that because I have found other ways to pour love out. I think deep down I am secretly a romantic. Although in a candlelight dinner surrounded by roses while being read poetry type setting, I would not know how to react and most likely stutter (and blush) a lot! I have never been that type of person. I have had some incredible Valentine's days without having a boyfriend. 

what I learned from: hiking by myself

I don't think I can ever get sick of Colorado. No, it does not have the beach but there are always new trails to hike and things to explore! I love the feeling you get after hiking a rough trail and finally reach the top. The exhaustion that your body feels slowly slips away as you take in the view around you. Anywhere you hike in Colorado the views are incredible!

There is one peak in Colorado Springs called Blodgett. I have hiked it three times and still have yet to make it to the top! The first time we made it to a ridge right underneath the peak and sat down for a minute before we had to head back down to make it back in time for an event. The second time we made it to the trail head and decided to turn around because of the thunder and lightening. This last time I hiked it by myself and I made it almost to the top and a snow storm rolled in and I could not see very well. So I decided to turn around. One day I will conquer Blodgett! But, I am waiting for spring, less snow, friends, and my foot to heal. While hiking I had a lot of time to think and here are some life lessons I learned while hiking by myself.

"Be Still"

Every season in life brings something new. This season has been full of changes. To be honest, I like to think I understand God sometimes. Something happens in a way that seems right. Then when I think I have it all figured out He switches it up on me.

I read an article on Boundless.org a few years ago. The writer decided, at the beginning of the year, to find a word that she wanted to define that upcoming year. It was a really good article and when I read it years ago I wanted to come up with a word as well. Well, this year I finally did. Last year my word was love. I learned a lot about it and I was sure I knew what word I wanted 2015 to be about. God, had other plans.

Beloved, that is what I was planning on having 2015 be about. God has been showing me a lot recently what that looks like. I sat in my friends apartment and there was a moment of silence. There was worship music playing quietly in the background and the 7 of us were scattered around praying, reading and writing. We had already caught up from Christmas break and instead of digging into the book we have been reading through there was a change of pace. Instead, there was time for prayer and reflection. This was a time for silence and for God to speak into our lives as we entered the new year. I am not good with being still. I like to relax every once in a while but it usually involves being with people and doing an activity or watching something. As I sat down and settled my heart I knew God wanted to talk to me. I felt him pushing me to open my Bible to the book of Kings. I remember this story because we talked about it in our Axis presentation. I always loved how my friend told the story and I heard his voice in my head as I started to read through it then.

The story is found in 1 Kings 18. Elijah is put to the test and asked to prove God's existence. He sets up two alters and goes up against the prophets of Baal. The prophets of Baal start to pray to their god to light their alter and nothing happens. Elijah starts to mock them asking if he is sleeping or perhaps busy or traveling. Nothing happens and it is Elijah's turn. He pours water on his alter (for good measure) and starts to pray to the God of Israel. God lights the alter and proves He is the one true God. Elijah then kills all the Baal prophets. Jezebel, who was not a fan of this, tells her peeps to kill Elijah and Elijah becomes scared for his life and runs away. He is exhausted having just killed a ton of prophets and running for his life and falls asleep under a bush. An angel of the Lord appears to him and wakes him and tells him to eat. After he eats he tells him to sleep. Then he wakes Elijah and gives him food and tells him to go back to sleep. After all of that he is told to rest for the journey ahead.

I felt God telling me that I am now in a season of rest. I have been running for a few years now and now that I am finally settling in I find the need to start running again. This is my season to be still. That is something that does not come easily or naturally to me and since learning that is what I need to do I have been busier than ever! There are so many passages where God speaks and works in the stillness. I always love the parts in the New Testament where Christ goes away and prays to his Father. He gets away from the crowds and from what he is doing and finds time to be still.

I find peace in the stillness but then I get alone with my thoughts and I get scared. So I grab the nearest book or turn on a movie or do anything else. No only do I need to practice stillness I think my heart needs to learn the discipline too. This year will be interesting and I am jumping into the idea of learning a lot in the stillness.

Maybe I will start tonight...as I sit on the couch typing I know even writing this is still running. The house gets quieter as the minutes tick by and I have finally stopped hearing my roommates dog's paws above me. God meets us in the stillness. He meets us in the craziness and chaos too but I think there is a certain skill in being still when the world around us tells us to keep going. So that is what I am going to spend this next year trying to figure out.

What is your word?

blast from the past

I sat at my computer screen and stared. Have I not really changed at all?! Can I even change? My heart dropped as I read the words on the screen. Then I felt a little nudge knowing I am almost there, I am almost at the point of breaking and I felt God smile.

Over Christmas I got to visit my family back east. It was so good to get away for a few days. While I was there I also had the chance to catch up with some old friends. I saw my roommate from college as well as some old friends from high school. I got the chance to meet up with a friend I haven't seen in about 6 years! It was fun to drive around town and catch up on life together.

It's always weird going back. With all of my friends there were tons of stories and memories told. It is strange to talk about those memories from a different place in life. With my girl friends we even opened up some old year books! I have changed so much since high school and even college. Some of the changes have been good but lately I have been struggling with just who I am.

We all search for our true selves. To not have to hide and to be really and truly known and loved. But at the same time are scared that once someone sees the real us and they reject us then there is nothing left. What was extremely incredible about going back was that these friends have known me forever. Even now when I have seemed to get so stressed and forget who I am, they were the ones reminding me. Not on purpose either. Bob Goff talks about listening to the truest voice not the loudest and lately the loud ones have been winning. God was able to use those friends to speak light.

I always seem to talk about God using others to speak into my life. Lately...He has been using me. I know that sounds so incredibly strange and maybe not make sense but I will try and describe it.
One of my friends from home is going through a really tough time. I think God has put me back into his life to encourage him. The other night we were talking and a lot of what he is going through I can relate to. As I was talking I realized God was using me to speak into his life as well as mine. It is always easier to believe something when I am trying to encourage someone else but when it comes to me it is harder. Another example: another friend texted me last week needing prayer and throughout the week as I have been praying and checking in everything I have been telling them has related to me in some way. Ok so that's two. Today: my best friend emailed me and I gave her a scripture that God put on my heart and it happens to be the same verse He has been trying to pound into my head the past few years. I am starting to see that by these people in my life coming to me, God is strengthening me and using me to speak truth not only in their lives but into mine as well.

I have been hit with a lot the past few months and trying to change has been hard. Instead I have been avoiding it. It is inevitable that a breaking point is coming and I feel it on the horizon. Each time I sense God saying, "Will you just trust this and accept My love? Do I really need to get you to rock bottom for you to understand?!" Which brings us back to the beginning.

Maybe I have changed and maybe, lately, I am resorting back to old thoughts because that is what I know. I see a future where I am not chained down by satan's lies and I am living in God's truth. That may be a while a way but it is what I strive for. My friend pointed out a habit that I never noticed myself. He said that if I have had it after this long I can't change. Well, challenge accepted!