rain and heartaches

I got out of my jeep and grabbed my sweatshirt. The temperature was about to drop and I could see the rain clouds forming in the distance. I didn't care. I just needed to walk around. After all day in the springs running errands I needed to just sit and breathe. I shoved my blanket and journal in my backpack and swung it onto my back and started on the trail.

The soft padding of my sneakers on the damp dirt seemed to relieve some of the stress that was building up in my chest. I found a bench and laid my backpack on the seat and walked to the edge of the path. It dipped down into a valley full of trails and rocks. Because of the rain and weather I did not see anyone walking around. Typically this park is full of people but I was grateful for the silence. I watched the clouds get thicker and darker and started to hear thunder rumble towards the east. Colorado Springs was laid out below me and I could see patches where the rain had already started.

I have always wanted to stand on the edge of a mountain and scream in the rain. Like the scene from the movie Garden State. There is something about rain storms that I have always loved. Growing up I would always love to curl up with a good book and read while the rain hit the windows. When the rain would stop the world smelled so fresh! Like the earth was just cleansed and it was a new beginning and things got washed away.



I wish sometimes that could happen with life. I think that is what I wanted when I stood on the ledge in the park. It started to pour and I couldn't seem to move. I wanted that fresh start and I wanted all the scars to be washed away. So I just stood there and let the rain soak through my sweatshirt. My brain churned and question after question entered it. With each unanswered question my chest ached more and more. I have a hard time letting go of things and the tighter I hold onto something the harder it gets. I wish it was easy to forget and move on. I wish the rain had an affect, but it didn't. I finally walked back to my car soaked through and headed back to camp.

Have you ever had the feeling of drowning? When you are so in over your head you feel like you are flailing and getting no where? I guess I have been flailing for a while. This song in the picture is by Superchic[k] and I found it a few months ago and it has been on repeat since. It speaks to something in my soul that needs the reminder to stand. To stand when things feel unstable and too much to handle. God is the one that has helped me stand the past few months. I do not know what it would have been like if I did not have Him holding me up. At times it didn't feel like it, but looking back I see how He held me when I felt like I was drowning.

I hope my heart is on it's way to healing from that day in the rain. It sometimes seems like it may be so far off. So I will try and stand in the rain every time I get as a reminder I can't do it on my own and am grateful I have a God that stands with me in the storms.