adulting

It is weird growing up. I look around and I am sitting in an office of my own. I have my own phone, computer, email, and business cards! My walls are decked out with pictures of friends, family (as well as a gremlin) and cards from summer staff and groups that I have worked with at camp. I even have my own stapler! I have a house and picked up paper towels, milk, and bread the last time I ran to the store. I pay my bills and change my oil when I need to. 

I just turned 25 this week. It is weird looking at my age and realize I am old enough to rent a car. I am a quarter of a century and (according to my psychology classes in college) my brain is fully developed. For my birthday my friends and I did a photo scavenger hunt through downtown Colorado Springs. I received multiple minion paraphernalia, candy and bubbles. I typically have to act my age at work when dealing with adult groups but there is a kid deep down waiting to jump out every time I leave site. 

It is easy to look at my life and get scared. I decided to leave New Jersey almost 4 years ago and drive out to Colorado with no job, family and only a few friends I knew of out here. I eventually found a job then traveled for a while and now am full time at a camp. I do not feel qualified for what I have to do here. It is easy to get scared and think and believe I am not good enough. I frequently mess up and, consequentially, beat my self up over it. That voice that tells me I can't do things, that I am a failure, that I won't make it, that I don't have anyone, that I will get fired and am terrible at my job is pretty loud and I find myself sometimes hearing that voice the most. 

That voice is not true. I do make mistakes and I have failed, but I have helped people too. I have a "Wall of Encouragement" in my office that is a good reminder of what I have been able to do when things get stressful. I have an amazing group of friends who are able to 'slap' me with true words when the loud ones get in the way. They remind me that I am a good person and friend, that I can do my job and I do it well. I am thankful for those voices that refresh my soul. 

When I am able to be quiet and sit with God I can hear His voice the best. Amidst the scheduling problems, bedding assignments, meal times and clogged toilets to be fixed I try to find those silent moments to sit with Him. I get lost and forget but He is quick to remind me that He is in control. He can give me that peace. He knows my heart is not an adult yet and is beyond gracious when I still want to blow bubbles and frolic through a park instead of work. He gives me patience when I have none and strength to handle situations that are brand new and challenging.

A few weeks ago I was doing a devotion about the past summer and my boss asked if this summer was easier since I had a year under my belt. I smiled and said no it was harder. There were so many times I thought I knew what I was doing and tried doing in on my own. Last summer I was so in over my head that I depended so much on God when everything around me was changing. This year I wanted to 'act' like I was in control and that I knew what I was doing and although sometimes I did, more times I did not. I am grateful for my "Wall of Encouragement". It is a easy reminder that when I am not good at adulting God has been able to work through me and touch the lives of countless people. Who knows maybe the group this weekend will be okay with me blowing bubbles and frolicking around camp when things get too hard.