blast from the past

I sat at my computer screen and stared. Have I not really changed at all?! Can I even change? My heart dropped as I read the words on the screen. Then I felt a little nudge knowing I am almost there, I am almost at the point of breaking and I felt God smile.

Over Christmas I got to visit my family back east. It was so good to get away for a few days. While I was there I also had the chance to catch up with some old friends. I saw my roommate from college as well as some old friends from high school. I got the chance to meet up with a friend I haven't seen in about 6 years! It was fun to drive around town and catch up on life together.

It's always weird going back. With all of my friends there were tons of stories and memories told. It is strange to talk about those memories from a different place in life. With my girl friends we even opened up some old year books! I have changed so much since high school and even college. Some of the changes have been good but lately I have been struggling with just who I am.

We all search for our true selves. To not have to hide and to be really and truly known and loved. But at the same time are scared that once someone sees the real us and they reject us then there is nothing left. What was extremely incredible about going back was that these friends have known me forever. Even now when I have seemed to get so stressed and forget who I am, they were the ones reminding me. Not on purpose either. Bob Goff talks about listening to the truest voice not the loudest and lately the loud ones have been winning. God was able to use those friends to speak light.

I always seem to talk about God using others to speak into my life. Lately...He has been using me. I know that sounds so incredibly strange and maybe not make sense but I will try and describe it.
One of my friends from home is going through a really tough time. I think God has put me back into his life to encourage him. The other night we were talking and a lot of what he is going through I can relate to. As I was talking I realized God was using me to speak into his life as well as mine. It is always easier to believe something when I am trying to encourage someone else but when it comes to me it is harder. Another example: another friend texted me last week needing prayer and throughout the week as I have been praying and checking in everything I have been telling them has related to me in some way. Ok so that's two. Today: my best friend emailed me and I gave her a scripture that God put on my heart and it happens to be the same verse He has been trying to pound into my head the past few years. I am starting to see that by these people in my life coming to me, God is strengthening me and using me to speak truth not only in their lives but into mine as well.

I have been hit with a lot the past few months and trying to change has been hard. Instead I have been avoiding it. It is inevitable that a breaking point is coming and I feel it on the horizon. Each time I sense God saying, "Will you just trust this and accept My love? Do I really need to get you to rock bottom for you to understand?!" Which brings us back to the beginning.

Maybe I have changed and maybe, lately, I am resorting back to old thoughts because that is what I know. I see a future where I am not chained down by satan's lies and I am living in God's truth. That may be a while a way but it is what I strive for. My friend pointed out a habit that I never noticed myself. He said that if I have had it after this long I can't change. Well, challenge accepted!