thankful for: friends

[In honor of one of my friends moving back home today] There are people in your life that make it hard to say good bye. There are people that make you laugh so hard that you cry (and get a pretty good ab workout from it) There are people who take you on adventures outside of yourself. There are people that love you more than you deserve sometimes. These people have been my friends. I have experienced all of these things in so many different forms throughout the years.

I remember my first friend. Her name was Cassie and we lived in South Carolina. She had a trampoline and it was the coolest thing ever! We used to run through a field and over a tiny hill to each others houses. I remember once we sat on the grassy slope between our houses. I remember us being upset about me moving away. I was five when I moved to New Jersey and it was a new adventure with new friends.

Elementary school seems like a blur. I remember faces, recess and playing house under a big oak tree. These faces followed me all the way through to high school. Friendship seems so simple when you are little. "Hey, you like the color blue?! So do I!" Instant friends. Now it is more complex. As you get older you go through more. You have more history that is brought into a friendship. My friends from grade school know about my awkward stages. They have seen me in my big over-sized t-shirts that I wore because for some reason I thought it was cool. They know about my third grade crushes and my high school boyfriend. Those memories have shaped who I have become. I still have friends who walk that journey with me. I have friends from college who helped me establish my faith. I have friends who were there for my first heart break and some who have been there for every one since then. I have friends who have threatened to beat up guys for me and sat and listened as I tried to figure out God's will for my life. I have friends who call me just to have someone to talk to even if we are all the way across the country from each other. As time passes friendships change. We all grow in different ways but at the same time we have grown together.

I am able to go home for Christmas for a few days this year. A few of my friends from grade school and high school are going to get together. Whenever we get together there is always tons of laughter as we bring up of old names and stories from when we were younger. We fill in each other about current lives and things we have been going through. We live lives separate from each other, all five of us living in different states. When we get together, no matter the time or how much has changed, it is still us.

Friendship can bring so much joy and also so much pain. I have lost friends over the years because of disagreements or different paths in life. It has been a struggle for me to watch those friendships that I invested in for years just seem to disintegrate like they were nothing to begin with. There is always a level of risk when you open yourself up to another broken person. It is a risk we all take because God created us to thrive and desire connection with each other. I have spent most of my life in fear of letting people get close because the closer you get to someone the closer you get. Over the years, unfortunately, I have come to believe that when you let someone that close they will eventually leave. I have experienced it and felt the pain as another friendship ends and I do not know why.

I have had friends that prove me wrong. There have been friends who have pushed past the walls I spent years trying to build. These people showed me so much about what it looks like to love. They bring a new definition to the term 'friendship' and have taught me how to be a better friend. This new stage in life has brought its joys and struggles and I am so thankful I have people in my life who have been there through it all. (And most likely have so many embarrassing stories to tell) So thank you to all my friends! I thank you for believing in me, for pushing me, for loving me, for calling me out, stretching me and even at times reminding me who I am.

"Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold. A ring is round it has no end, that's how long I want to be your friend."

thankful for: memories

I love taking pictures and videos. My friends have been victims of my video documenting many times. Every time I look at a picture I see a memory. Memories scroll through my head like a movie and I can replay memories in my head. That can be a good...or a bad thing.

When I was in college, for extra credit, I helped out the graduate counseling department by volunteering to get counseled. It was my freshman year of college and it coincidentally happened right after my first boyfriend broke up with me. I did not know what to expect when I walked over to the graduate building for my first session. Each would be 45 minutes long and there would be nine sessions. I was not sure if I could figure out what to talk about for that long. All I remember was a small room with a two way mirror. I would go in every Monday night for nine weeks and sit down in a plush blue chair. She would ask me what I wanted to talk about or bring up something she remembered from a previous session and I would go off. With it still being my freshman year I had not made many really close friends at that point, no one to confide in about my broken heart and end of my first relationship. I found comfort in talking through everything. I learned through that process that I am an external processor.

Near the end of my time my counselor asked me a few things. First, she wondered why I went into so much detail with stories. I can get very descriptive when I share stories or feelings with someone. There were friends in college who I noticed would zone out and eventually tell me to get to the point. She asked if it was me trying to take the entire time. I left that session feeling confused. I told stories in so much detail that it annoyed people...why? I started to wonder that myself for a long time. The answer came when I attended FLI. We took a strengths test and my number one strength is includer. When I told my mom I remember her laughing at how true that was.

As an includer I love to make people feel, you guessed it, included. Includers hate the idea of exclusivity and people feeling left out. On the opposite side of that, as an includer, I love to feel included. A part of that strength comes through my story telling. I want people to understand a story fully, like they were there with me. Like they were a part of the story. So there are times I may go into too much detail to make others feel included. I refer to it now as rambling and a few of my friends are patient enough to steer me in the right track otherwise I can get caught up too much in the memory.

I find when I tell stories I am back at that time. I love reminiscing with friends because I go back to that experience. The other night I was blessed to be able to meet up with a few old friends from FLI and catch up on life. We talked about how God has stretched and shaped us in the past few years, where we are now and, of course, we reminisced at some old memories. It was fun to have a chance to go back with them. Memories bring back so much! There are times I can get caught in a day dream of a memory and get lost in the past. I love having good memories to go back to. I even love having the tough memories. Although they are painful to go back to I am thankful I can learn from those memories.

Memories shape us and change us bit by bit. Like a river. The water courses through and is constantly changing. Maybe that river remembers the different people who have floated down it, the fish who swam through or the men who fished at the banks. But years and years the water will shape and change that river bank until it looks a little different. It is still in the same place but those experiences have changed it. Memories can cause pain or joy and it is up to us to determine how they change and shape us in the long run.

thankful for: silence

I recently bought a car. My first big purchase! I feel quite like an adult now, especially with all the new bills. I upgraded from my loyal volvo to a more rugged jeep. I have really enjoyed it! It made it's first road trip out to the Grand Canyon and back in September with my best friend. I have named it AJ (which stands for Adventure Jeep) and I plan on having many more adventures in it!

The only thing that was missing when I bought it was... a stereo. As a lover of music believe me that was a disappointment. The old owner took out the face plate when they sold it. All I thought was I had to get a new face plate for the stereo and it would be fine but it will cost more than I thought...so at the moment I am stereo-less. After a week or so I could not stand the silence it brought. I did not want to think. Thinking was not good at the time and having no way to drown out my thoughts I could not escape. I stopped driving for a while and tried to avoid going anywhere. As I got involved in a Bible study and wanting to see friends and buy food I could not avoid for very long. Little did I know that over time I would come to welcome the silence and the comfort it brought.

Sometimes I get so busy I forget to think...or I get busy on purpose so I do not have to think. It was at a time where God wanted to speak to my heart and forced me to have time with Him. Unfortunately, I did not want to open my heart up to Him. Weeks and weeks went by and He slowly broke me down until I started to really enjoy the car rides I would take to and from camp. I started to look forward to the silence. I would look forward to the time I could sit and pray and talk to God. It was hard at first and there were rides I could not see the road through my tears. God has used this time of silence to fill it with His love.

I love driving now and taking others with me gives us a chance to talk without the distraction of music. Do not get me wrong I LOVE music and I am always listening to something. But, not having music to drown out God's voice gives me a chance to be open to Him. I will eventually get a stereo but I am in no rush and I know when I do I plan on still making time for silent rides with God. I am thankful for silence and the truth it reveals, even when it can sometimes be painful.

thankful for: the Christian family

Ever have one of those moments where you meet someone for the first time and you already seem to have some connection like you have known each other forever!? I used to think it was so rare and then I started traveling with Axis. All over the country I would meet people who shared my love of Christ and the gospel and because that makes up so much of who we are...we connected. We have this bond that will never be broken. I have family all over the country now that I never knew I had! It is amazing the impact the Christian community has.
Recently, I have been reminded of that power both with strangers and old friends I have not talked to in a while.
I 'concentrated' in Youth Ministry while in college. I wish I could say minor but it was not an option as a minor at my university so I just took as many classes as I could. One of my favorite classes was about small groups and it was a small class. There were about 9 of us plus the professor. We all got pretty close in the course of the semester. The other day I got a message from one of the girls and we all started catching up and sending prayer requests and encouragement to each other. It was so fun to see us all come together after almost 3 years!

Last week, I was sitting in Starbucks going through Galatians before my Bible study. As I was packing up, the man next to me took off his headphones and asked what church I attended. I was surprised by the question but started talking to him for a bit about church and life. He saw the book I was reading and asked what I was studying for. It was so incredible to make a connection with a brother in a coffee shop. You never know where you will meet new family!

Tonight, I was meeting with a new group that just arrived at camp. One of my summer staff girls was there with her dad. Her dad gave me a hug and saw the walking boot on my foot. He started asking about it and they ended up praying for healing for my foot. He continued to encourage me with scripture and spoke truth into my life. I have only met this man one other time and his heart for God was so inspiring!

No matter where we are there is family everywhere. We may not ever meet them or we may be best friends and live in community together. Either way you have that lifelong connection being one in Christ.  I am so thankful for this family who share such a strong connection with. They are incredible!

thankful for: growing

Recently a friend of mine, while traveling, stayed at my parents house and was able to bring back a few books for me when he returned. One of those books was my old diary. Now I journal, but I used to have a Hello Kitty diary growing up.

(believe me there is a difference!) I got it for my seventh birthday and used it all the way up through high school. My last entry is the day before I graduated. It was hard to keep up with when I was younger but I was determined to finish it!
The reason I asked for it back out in Colorado was because I wrote a bucket list in it and I wanted to see what I wanted to do with my life when I was 15 years old. I continued to read through it and felt embarrassed by some of the thing I wrote. I was quite dramatic as a teenager. At the moment whatever problem I was going through seemed to be the end of the world! Which for me in my little high school/middle school world...it was. I look back on those times now and laugh at myself. I seemed to write down every meticulous thing I ever did. One Saturday I spent "cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning"...thank you younger Kaitlin. That was fascinating! I realize things in life change and I have grown a lot since I was in high school.
Through the pages I can see myself in my room writing and being frustrated, hurt, mad or excited. I remember those moments that affected me so much and smile at some of my dramatic flair. I used to want to journal and one day show my daughter my old journals and let her read them and learn from them. Re-reading that diary made me realize I do not think I will do that anymore. At least not for that book. Those pages are coated with lost friendships, broken dreams, fights with parents, school woes and crushes that came and went. Although I went to church growing up I never knew how to live out the Christian life. I never knew what that looked like. So, that is what I am thankful for. I am thankful for that book. I am thankful for those memories, although painful at the time brought me here. I am thankful for how much I have grown since high school. There are times I wish I could go back. Ever have that feeling? I wish I could go back to middle school where the most pressing thing were report cards and if you still have friends. Life was smaller then. I still struggle with friendships but luckily no more report cards. :)
God still was able to see me where I am today when I was only a teenager. I am so glad he was willing to put up with all of that to bring me here. I bet the journal I am writing in now I will find 10 years from now and look back and laugh at myself. I will remember what I am going through and smile and thank God to where He has brought me since now. I hope I can look back. I want to know I am continually growing, even when it is painful and I have no idea what is next.
I learned a lot from my old diary. I even got to cross off three things off my bucket list!

thankful for: swings

Ever have one activity that just takes you back to your childhood??
Mine are swings. I have always loved swings! I do not know why but I always felt so free every time I would kick off that first time knowing I could go higher and higher if I just pumped my legs. There is not a care in the world when you are on a swing. You can go as high as you want or as slow as you want to.
My favorite ride at amusement parks were the swings as well. Roller coasters always scared me but being in a little bucket of a seat only held up by chains as you swung higher and higher never seemed to. I would always just tip my head back and put my arms out and close my eyes and just for a moment I would pretend I was flying.

Swings have always been associated with happiness for me. Pure, unfiltered joy. I recall memories with swings at the beach with my family, at playgrounds with friends having good conversations while swaying back and forth, and memories of our old play-set in my backyard that my dad built us. Swings are always moving. I guess you can say I can relate to that. I am constantly moving. If I sit still for too long I feel like I am going to explode! After traveling with Axis for a year and a half you would think I would like that I am in one place for a while. As much as I love camp I am starting to go stir crazy. I do not think we were made to stay still. We were created to evolve and change. Although this is a very post modern idea, it sometimes seems that the only constant in life is change. I never want to feel stuck, like I am not moving forward or growing. That is right as you just sit in a swing. You cannot sit in a swing without moving. I think it is impossible. It is like eating one potato chip. I dare you to do it! It is hard. You cannot live a life without movement.

It seems that when I start to get comfortable I start to move again. More often than not, there is something pushing me toward movement again. There are times I jump at the chance to move with it and others I am digging my heels in the ground gripping for the swing to stop. God seems to like to throw a twist in every now and again. Yes, currently I am physically in one place for more than 2 days. Yes, that is weird for me because I do not see myself leaving any time soon. Emotionally and spiritually God has been pulling me back on a giant swing. This time I seem to be resisting. I am comfortable with swaying back and forth with my feet on the ground but He wants to send me flying forward to where I can lean my head back, close my eyes and stretch out my arms.

So I am thankful for swings that remind me of childhood, joy and the feeling of flying! 

thankful for: athletics

I have a boot on my foot. It is quite uncomfortable and it hinders me from keeping up with my 'east coast pace.' I have never been a fan of running until recently. All my life being involved in sports it was used as a form of punishment so I have always dreaded it. Now that I am not able to run I miss it. It has become a form of therapy and a way to release stress. While traveling I would love to break out in the cool crisp air on a fall day and pound off each stress as my feet hit the ground. Yesterday I was reminded of the amazing impact being a part of sports and athletics has had on my life.

I watched as students ran, pushed, lifted and squatted as they worked their bodies to the max at an FCA event. I smiled and cheered as I hobbled along side them as they ran up and down an inside turf field. Between each event these student leaders huddled together in prayer, asking God to give them strength and encouraging each other through each task. After 8 physically draining competitions each team was worn out. We could all see it on their faces. They were physically spent but their minds were still going. One of the FCA leaders got up and started to explain their last task. Before she started she asked the crowd of sweaty students who their I.D was. They responded "only J.C." (Jesus Christ) She yelled in a louder voice and asked how they competed. The students enthusiasm was present through their exhaustion and they yelled back "1 on 1!" This was their chance to have a one-on-one. This final activity was a 1 mile run around the outside of the building. She explained that this was their time of worship. This mile could be taken as fast or slow as you want it and just pray and talk to God. She talked about praying for an upcoming season, difficulties at home or anything they wanted to. With each step they were to just spend time with the Creator who gave them this ability through sports.

I was helping with the clean-up as the students started their mile and made it outside as the first ones crossed the finish line. There was cheering all around as each student passed through and finished. Before I knew it there was hugging, high fives and more and more clapping. I saw each of these students completely spent but going back for their teammates to finish with them. There was one girl who was struggling to finish and one of her leaders went back out to find her. As they crossed the finish line the entire group burst into cheering. I watched as these leaders were hugging and some crying but all of them were encouraging each other. As we headed inside I was walking with one of the leaders and the girl who finished at the end ran up and gave her a hug and I heard her say, "Thank you for coming back for me." I could hear her emotion in her voice and knew that it meant so much to her.

My heart was soaring as I packed up at the end of the night. It was such a great time hanging out with these students who are part of leadership teams at their schools. They can take what they learned yesterday back to every part of their lives. In the end, the point of the event was to keep focus on God through it all even in the midst of intense competition.

That is what being an athlete is about. To be able to leave it all on the field, mat, or court when you finish. But, the ability to glorify God through it all is what separates the Christian athletes. We have one big cheerleader that will never get quiet. He is not only at every game but a every practice, every scrimmage, every pre-season workout. He is glorified by us realizing that He gave us this ability and by giving it back to Him is the biggest blessing of all. Because at the end of the day when we are extremely spent and can't take another step He comes back for us and we get to finish the race together.

thankfulness

A few years ago, during the month of November I did a post every so often of things I was thankful for. Although always, at this time of year, I am reminded I should be thankful every day. I am going to start that up again.

I started a workout plan back in the summer. It was hard to keep up with it with my foot injured but I tried as best I could. This fall I started to get more into it. The trainers are really awesome and the community they have built is incredible! I have really enjoyed it so far. I must admit it is hard to follow some of the nutrition plans when we have groups every weekend and the food provided is great but not what I need.

Sidetracked...anyways a few weeks ago, along with a weekly workout plan they put other challenges in. Not just working out but afternoon/evening challenges. They encourage their community to love who they are and what they do. One challenge was to write down, every hour throughout the day, something you are thankful/grateful for. I took that challenge!! I had a notebook on my desk and set an alarm on my phone for every hour. Every time the alarm went off I wrote down something that I was thankful for. As the day progressed I noticed something...I was in such a great mood! I was so happy and as I would write something down I would pray thanking God so much for putting that in my life. It was such a great day! I started looking forward to that bell to be able to turn and pray for that thing that God had blessed me with.

It is sad that it took a random workout plan for me to see how many things I need to be grateful for in my life. I have an amazing family, pretty fun place to work & live, incredible friends that keep me grounded and laughing, a church I am able to get involved with, ability to move and use my body for sports or even work and I could go on and on. I have started taking the time to be more grateful. Starting off every prayer with just thanksgiving and letting God's blessings wash over and humble me.

So although this is a theme around this time of year I am going to hitch myself on the bandwagon and join in on sharing a few things, this month, on what I am thankful for. Maybe I will keep it going all year....