broken

It's funny how we pray. There are times, I confess, that I pray to God like a genie. "God please grant me this..." "I pray that this will happen..." And usually it never works. I don't know why I do it. Then there are times I pray for something and He does something crazy. I've been learning that you pray for something and God gives you the opportunity to do that thing. 

For example this summer...my job is stressful and being thrown into summer with never being in a management position like this was difficult. One morning I was walking down to breakfast praying that I would not be stressed and that I would learn to breathe and not be overwhelmed with everything. And instead of making me unstressed God decided to give me opportunities to make me stressed to teach me to work through it. Smart guy....

Then at the end of July I prayed a dangerous prayer. I asked God to break me. I prayed this prayer once before my senior year of college and...man did He deliver. I was broken down to nothing. In July, I felt Him calling me back to His heart in a new way and I prayed it one night. I guess, again, I didn't know what I was asking for. 

He has been breaking me. Hard. But through all the brokenness and pain I see that He is trying to build me up in a new way. With a heart closer to Him. With trust and dependence on Him. It hurts and He knows that. But through it all He is working in me. 

I have talked so much about relationships and community and how God has created us for that. He has but I think when we start to put that community as a replacement for Him it gets messy. Even a really good thing can turn into an idol in our lives. There are some things only God can do. Only things God can heal or fix or make completely new. And it's our job to trust Him to do that. As much as I love my community I can't rely on them to fix everything for me. That's what I have been learning. Through my brokenness there is only one place to turn. Yes, friends can listen, love me, and give advice but only God alone can build me back up again. As much a I want to know what happens next He is in control. 

This may be just a pep talk for myself than for anyone. There are times when it is time to start putting your own advice into practice. As much as the "break me" prayer has hurt. I do not regret it and I am glad I make dangerous prayers. God is going to build me up stronger and although it's hard I am excited to see what I learn in the end. 

What dangerous prayer will you be brave enough to pray?? 

3 am ponderings

I guess you can say I am a late night thinker. It's 3 am and I always seem to have my best brain moments when I am on lack of sleep. (or my best lax game too) Maybe because this is me...unfiltered so to say. It's when I don't have logic in the way of how I think and whatever I am feeling just comes out through words. I hate when you try and sleep and your thoughts just keep you up.
I was looking at the stars tonight and they always seem to leave me speechless. I always wish I could capture them in a picture but it never turns out. Just a black screen. It hit me tonight that sometimes I try and capture moments rather than just experience them. Ever get that feeling? When instead of living out a moments you automatically reach out your phone/camera to capture it. I love capturing memories. I love looking back at pictures and reliving those moments. My walls are filled with pictures of moments that just make me smile. One of my siblings and I, one with my best friend from college, one with my dad and I in goofy outfits, one when I hiked my first 14er, one at a friends wedding and I can go on and on.
But do we sometimes forget to live them? Do we hide behind a screen or a phone just to capture something instead of being a part of something bigger? When I am laying on my death bed I want to be surrounded by pictures but those pictures won't go with me. Only the memories will, the relationships that I make and invest in. So many times I try to capture God's awe-some beauty in creation and when I snap that picture it looks so...adequate. We focus on capturing a moment. When maybe we are just supposed to enjoy it. Donald Miller once wrote that, "The mountains themselves call us into greater stories." We are supposed to live it. Take it in, breathe it in, and soak it all up. But are we sometimes scared? That if we don't take the opportunity to take that picture or video that that moment will be lost forever.
I hate fears. They hold us back from so much. They hold us back from taking risks and living life. They may hold us back from really investing or trying in a relationship or going on an adventure or trying something new. Why do we fear so much? When in scripture it says over 200 times "Do not fear..." Why do we jump to fear so often? How do we get over it?
What do you fear?
I fear...failure. I fear rejection. I fear not doing something because I was too afraid. (a bit ironic) I want to live life in the moments. Not hiding behind things. I am good at avoiding. I hide behind other worlds like movies, tv shows or books. I get lost in a world that is not my own. Because of fear. I guess that explains why I am up this late...or early, you decide. I did the same thing my freshman year of college. This fear is the fear of me. The fear of being alone with my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes quiet is violent. (twenty-one pilots reference there) So, I avoid. It always catches up to me in the end. Usually starting with one of these nights.
Ultimately I fear a lot and I have been learning that the risks are worth it. When I am in battle with a fear and decide to face it head on...I am aware of the risk. It doesn't mean it is not scary anymore. Doesn't mean I am ready for what could get thrown at me. It means...I am willing to try. I am willing to face my fears because maybe I think it's worth it. And in the end, it usually is. Whether or not it turns out the way I planned, God always seems to stretch me through it all.
I don't know who reads this blog. These are just thoughts that I have that I sometimes decide to post on the interwebs. I pray that they get you to think. Usually I start with a thought and end up with something completely different. This post is unfiltered and I hope the late night ponderings of Kaitlin will reach someone...somewhere. But maybe they won't and I am okay with that. I am always astounded in what ways God is able to use me. Half of these posts I look back read and realize that was not me. It is me in the grammar sense and misspellings but it's God through it all. I hope He is able to reach you too. Wherever you are in the world or in life. Thank you for reading. And on that note I think I have exasperated my brain for the night and am ready to fall asleep. :)

What defines you?

|| In the honor of #tbt. This is a post I wrote almost a year ago and never posted it. I was in Minnesota while traveling with Axis. Enjoy:) ||

America. I love traveling and I would love to see the whole world but I consider America my home. I love learning about different cultures and got a chance to do that this past week at a school we spoke at. About one third of the school is made up of international students. Students from countries like; Norway, China, Taiwan, Bermuda, Korea, Ethiopia, and Germany to just name a few. I had some really awesome conversations with students from Norway and I learned some interesting facts about Norway.

Here is what I learned:

1. Chocolate and candy is way better in Norway

2. They miss the mountains 

3. The food in America is not very fresh

4. The music, culture and style is very similar

5. The water is better in Norway 

One of the most interesting things I learned was about the people. One student told me that Americans are more outgoing but it takes a lot to actually get to know that person while Norwegians are more quiet and closed off but once you get to know someone they are very open. I started to think about what she said and I can't help but agree in some aspects. Our culture seems to encourage a certain type of outgoiningness and to be social but not let anyone get to close. So we hide ourselves. 

God created us for relationships and a want to connect to others but through experiences we close up and put up a facade or a mask. I know I have struggled with opening up and being myself because of past experiences when I have opened up and gotten hurt. So that is why we hide behind masks. We talk about identity in our presentations. Sometimes we find our identity in success, in sports, in school or in relationships. We hide behind those things for fear of letting people see us. We are made in the image of God (imago dei) and we should be finding our identity in him. But we fail at that sometimes and we wrap our lives around certain things. I love this quote by Tim Keller:

 "Sin isn’t only doing bad things, it is more fundamentally making good things into ultimate things. Sin is building your life and meaning on anything, even a very good thing, more than on God. Whatever we build our life on will drive us and enslave us. Sin is primarily idolatry." 

When we put things before God they become idols in our lives. Even building our lives around something good can be turned into an idol. It seems we turn the things we love into idols in our lives. So what do you love? What drives you? What do you spend so much time doing or working towards that hides who you are to the people around you? Ultimately, what do you hide behind? 

In his book, Love Does, Bob Goff asks a really good question, "God asks if we will give up that thing we're so proud of, that thing we believe causes us to matter in the eyes of the world, and give it up to follow Him. He's asking us, 'Will you take what defines you, leave it behind, and let me define who you are instead?'"

I think many times I hide because I am scared of what others may think of me, yet God, who knows everything about me, still accepts me. So are you willing to give up what you think defines who you are and let God define you? 

You were made to be courageous

In a moment everything can change.
If you have kept up with my blog you have heard me talk about Peter walking on water. If you haven't then here ya go!
I love that story but recently I have seen a different view of it. Yesterday we had a staff meeting and my boss was talking about the account in Mark 6 of Jesus walking on water. It was after He fed the 5,000 and went by himself on a mountain top to pray. I love the parts in scripture talking about Jesus going away to pray.
It says that "When it was evening, the boat was in the middle of the sea, and He was alone on the land. Seeing them straining at the oars, for the wind was against them, at about the fourth watch of the night He came to them walking on the sea..." (emphasis mine)
"Seeing them straining..." I have never picked up on that point before. Christ was on land and He could see them struggling through the storm. He knew they needed help. He could see them through the storm. Because He saw them, He walked out to them. My boss went onto say that in the midst of our storms Jesus sees us. He knows what we are struggling through. He can see the storm around us. A lot of times we pray for things to be easy, but I think God puts us through storms to make us stronger and to make us trust Him more. Scripture talks about how God never gives us more than we can handle and if He does He will give us a way out of it. He gives us way more than we can handle so we can learn to trust Him when we are in the middle of the storms.
Another thing I noticed was that yes, Jesus is walking on water. That is so cool! He calms the storm and saves Peter when he starts to sink and takes his eyes of Christ. But I think sometimes I forget that Peter walked on water too. He is the only guy I know, normal guy, to walk on water. (Well, I don't personally know him but you know what I mean.) How cool is that! He had the guts to take that step and actually do it.
I can't even imagine his thought process, "Oh wow I am walking on water. Look at me I am walking on water! Oh crap. I am walking on water. How is this possible? I am going to sink and the waves are going to knock me..." Well, that would be what I would be thinking. I feel like I second guess myself when I am doing something crazy. I start to tell myself, "How are you doing this? This doesn't make any sense." And that is when I feel like I look at the waves instead of on Christ. Those waves are doubts that can pull us under. Christ stands there with a smile on His face just saying, "Yes, you are walking on water! Trust that you can do this because I am here with you. I see that you're struggling and that you don't believe you can do it. But keep your eyes on Me and it will be ok."
In one moment Peter decided to act out of courage and take a step and WALK ON WATER! I want to keep taking steps of courage, even when I feel like I don't have it.
This summer I got a tattoo. My first one. It is on my foot and it says...can you guess?? Walk on Water. There was a week this summer I was really stressed with work and I was feeling really overwhelmed. I was struggling to just hold it together and I felt God telling me to stop looking at the waves because I was starting to drown. I have wanted a tattoo for 4 years or so now and I decided to act on it. Kinda crazy and you may not agree with tattoos and that is ok. It works for me and I love it as a reminder.
I will close with one of my new favorite songs. Oceans by Hillsong. I found out about it this past spring. If you haven't heard it I suggest you plug it in and close your eyes and just let the words wash over you.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters
wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than me feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my Savior