I sometimes wish I could just get a manual. Titled "Instructions to your life"or something along those lines. To read and be somewhat prepared for what is going to happen. But there is not, but there is that cliche phrase "No one said life was going to be easy." People always say that when things are really rough. Those are great words of wisdom...especially when you are down on yourself.
Yeah...not really.
This might be more of a venting post. Tonight I was on my computer and came across some old memories from about a year and a half ago. Memories that made my heart start to ache. You know the feeling....and knowing I most likely would not be able to sleep for a while I took out my journal and started to write and then took out some old pics and was just venting. I think it would have been humorous if someone would have walked in on me. I was just sitting on the ground kind of venting at these pictures and talking to God and letting out my frustrations (at a low level because my whole family was/and still is sleeping) Side note: usually to vent I blast my music real loud or go run but as it is after midnight neither seem appropriate. So instead I journal and talk to pictures haha which does not seem sane.
Anyways (after my vent sesh)....I was reminded of God's arms. And how much He wants to be that strength when we have none. He wants to heal our broken hearts and make them whole again. He wants to hold us tight while we cry and give us the peace to move on. In my devo's the other day it said this, "the path to peace is paved with knee-prints. Bend your knee to the trustworthy authority of Christ." Peace comes with trust in His power. As much as my heart still aches right now, I am starting to feel that peace. I also know it will take time and daily surrender. So I guess I will end with one of my favorite songs:
Moving Forward by Israel Houghton
"I'm not going back, I'm moving ahead
Here to declare to You my past is over
in You all things are made new, surrendered my life to Christ
I'm moving, moving forward"
[emphasis added]
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
See that face in the mirror??
I am back on the east coast! And it is good to be back. Although, I am not a fan of the humidity or the mosquitoes. Got off the plane and it was hard to breathe with all the oxygen, so that was quite strange as well. I am getting back in the swing of things. Finally unpacked and then cleaned my room which felt pretty good. Got a chance to hang with my brothers and sister this week and got a good tan (well I mean sunburn...) at the the beach today.
It's been hard being back home. For many reasons...I love seeing my family though. Some of the reasons wouldn't make sense or are too hard to write out. So I will try to be simple, as much as I can be. I learned a lot about myself when I attended FLI last spring. I learned of my strengths and my love languages. I also learned where I fall short. In our marriage and family class we took a self quiz on conflict styles. I already knew before I had to take the quiz that I hated conflict. My highest score was avoidance. I have tried, over the past year, to not so much avoid conflict but deal with it in a healthy way. I had chances to do that over the past year with some of my roommates in college and in the beginning I was terrified. You can even ask them. I was trembling and would start crying (and I am NOT a cryer) It still makes me wonder why I would be so scared because they are some of my best friends and they love me. So why the fear?? Usually it would be because I would think the worst outcome would come of it. And you can also ask my friends or family...I am quite a positive person.
I guess this all seems kind of random and rambly (that happens when it gets past 1 am) I have gotten better at not avoiding conflict with some of my friends but in turn I am realizing I have put it more on my relationship with God. I guess I find it easier to run from Him because He is not in my face. I run from God the same way I run from conflict with my friends...fear and believing in the worst outcome. I guess I can go back to my initial question then...So why the fear?? And why God when He knows me way better than any of my friends or family. And He loves me none the less and accepts me as is...because He created me.
It is scary how good I can be at avoiding. I dive into a project (the other day I mowed the lawn because idle hands = idle mind), loose myself in the world of a book, or just usually keep myself busy and make excuses. Or, in this case, ramble on a blog instead of talking to Him. The fear itself is stemming from finding a job and starting out on this new adventure of my life. It is exciting but I am completely terrified at the same time. So what struck all this came from a quote I found on pinterest the other day...(and yes I use that to waste some time too...unfortunately)
"That face you see in the mirror? SHE IS PRECIOUS to the King of Kings, so don't you dare underestimate the plans that He has for her, because they are great."
Convicting....So I guess I will leave it at that and either try to sleep or stop avoiding the inevitable. Goodnight!
It's been hard being back home. For many reasons...I love seeing my family though. Some of the reasons wouldn't make sense or are too hard to write out. So I will try to be simple, as much as I can be. I learned a lot about myself when I attended FLI last spring. I learned of my strengths and my love languages. I also learned where I fall short. In our marriage and family class we took a self quiz on conflict styles. I already knew before I had to take the quiz that I hated conflict. My highest score was avoidance. I have tried, over the past year, to not so much avoid conflict but deal with it in a healthy way. I had chances to do that over the past year with some of my roommates in college and in the beginning I was terrified. You can even ask them. I was trembling and would start crying (and I am NOT a cryer) It still makes me wonder why I would be so scared because they are some of my best friends and they love me. So why the fear?? Usually it would be because I would think the worst outcome would come of it. And you can also ask my friends or family...I am quite a positive person.
I guess this all seems kind of random and rambly (that happens when it gets past 1 am) I have gotten better at not avoiding conflict with some of my friends but in turn I am realizing I have put it more on my relationship with God. I guess I find it easier to run from Him because He is not in my face. I run from God the same way I run from conflict with my friends...fear and believing in the worst outcome. I guess I can go back to my initial question then...So why the fear?? And why God when He knows me way better than any of my friends or family. And He loves me none the less and accepts me as is...because He created me.
It is scary how good I can be at avoiding. I dive into a project (the other day I mowed the lawn because idle hands = idle mind), loose myself in the world of a book, or just usually keep myself busy and make excuses. Or, in this case, ramble on a blog instead of talking to Him. The fear itself is stemming from finding a job and starting out on this new adventure of my life. It is exciting but I am completely terrified at the same time. So what struck all this came from a quote I found on pinterest the other day...(and yes I use that to waste some time too...unfortunately)
"That face you see in the mirror? SHE IS PRECIOUS to the King of Kings, so don't you dare underestimate the plans that He has for her, because they are great."
Convicting....So I guess I will leave it at that and either try to sleep or stop avoiding the inevitable. Goodnight!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
"...and remember you will always have family here."
End of camp. It was sad to leave. A lot harder than I honestly thought it would be. The last night we had together we spent around a fire pit making s'mores and talking about what God had taught us this summer and what our favorite and funniest moments were.
It was a great last week at camp and we cleaned up camp on Friday and said goodbye to co-workers and friends. We handed in our radios and sets of keys and said goodbye to our bosses. It was hard. They said we have been the best staff they have had and they wanted us all back next year. :) I even saw some tears in my bosses eyes. One told me that I would always have a family up at camp and should come back. :) We had a blessed summer and an amazing staff!
Of those left we hung out for the night and decided to pull and all-nighter in the chapel with spare mattresses, blankets and pillows. One of the girls had to drive a few people to the airport at 3 am so we just watched movies and reminisced of the summer. When the airport caravan left at 3 am one of the guys and myself stayed up just talking and hanging out. When the driver came we got into some really good conversations and ended up staying up til around 8 am. It was really fun!
Needless to say I was quite tired the next day and we packed up and said our last goodbyes and headed out. I am now at my friends house in the springs with an interview tomorrow morning then hopefully headed home for a bit to see my family.
It has been a great, amazing, and fantastic summer! I learned a lot and I am going to miss it. But hopefully I will be moving out here and will visit :) Now to sleep and find a pair of shoes for my interview tomorrow.
It was a great last week at camp and we cleaned up camp on Friday and said goodbye to co-workers and friends. We handed in our radios and sets of keys and said goodbye to our bosses. It was hard. They said we have been the best staff they have had and they wanted us all back next year. :) I even saw some tears in my bosses eyes. One told me that I would always have a family up at camp and should come back. :) We had a blessed summer and an amazing staff!
Of those left we hung out for the night and decided to pull and all-nighter in the chapel with spare mattresses, blankets and pillows. One of the girls had to drive a few people to the airport at 3 am so we just watched movies and reminisced of the summer. When the airport caravan left at 3 am one of the guys and myself stayed up just talking and hanging out. When the driver came we got into some really good conversations and ended up staying up til around 8 am. It was really fun!
Needless to say I was quite tired the next day and we packed up and said our last goodbyes and headed out. I am now at my friends house in the springs with an interview tomorrow morning then hopefully headed home for a bit to see my family.
It has been a great, amazing, and fantastic summer! I learned a lot and I am going to miss it. But hopefully I will be moving out here and will visit :) Now to sleep and find a pair of shoes for my interview tomorrow.
Monday, August 6, 2012
I know I'm not strong enough
Camp is drawing to a close. Sadly, we only have one week left. The camp arrived yesterday and will stay til Friday then we will clean camp one last time and head out. I cannot believe it is already over. This summer flew by! This morning while I was doing my devotions by the pool, I was looking back at the summer and was thinking of all I learned.
I learned how to:
successfully unclog really backed up toilets
clean very very well
add and monitor pool chemicals
canter on a horse and not fall off
not freak out on the high ropes course
And those are just some of the basic things I guess. This morning I was journaling and was thinking about how lately I have been so drained. I have realized I have been trying to work off my own strength...not God's. And that is extremely draining. In Isaiah 40:31 says that "Those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength." The Hebrew word for 'trust' in this verse means to bind together. By holding close to God's truth we can depend on Him to be that strength to get through the tough times. And then it hit me....
This summer, bit by bit, I have been learning to be able to depend on others. While working, some of the thing I have had to do are hard and I can't do it all by myself...even if I want to. Everyday I have to take off and put back on the tarp at the pool and I cannot do it alone I always need some help. There are some projects that involve heavy lifting and I have a bad back, so I have learned that it is ok to step back and let someone else who is stronger (with bigger muscles) to help me.
It has been a struggle at times and very humbling. But once I realized all of that it hit me...I need to start transferring that on my relationship with God. I know the guys here can help with the heavy lifting but He can SO much more. Why do we struggle with that so much?? But it was a cool revelation, so to speak. He really teaches us things in the most peculiar ways.
I know I'm not strong enough but I do know that He is.
I learned how to:
successfully unclog really backed up toilets
clean very very well
add and monitor pool chemicals
canter on a horse and not fall off
not freak out on the high ropes course
And those are just some of the basic things I guess. This morning I was journaling and was thinking about how lately I have been so drained. I have realized I have been trying to work off my own strength...not God's. And that is extremely draining. In Isaiah 40:31 says that "Those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength." The Hebrew word for 'trust' in this verse means to bind together. By holding close to God's truth we can depend on Him to be that strength to get through the tough times. And then it hit me....
This summer, bit by bit, I have been learning to be able to depend on others. While working, some of the thing I have had to do are hard and I can't do it all by myself...even if I want to. Everyday I have to take off and put back on the tarp at the pool and I cannot do it alone I always need some help. There are some projects that involve heavy lifting and I have a bad back, so I have learned that it is ok to step back and let someone else who is stronger (with bigger muscles) to help me.
It has been a struggle at times and very humbling. But once I realized all of that it hit me...I need to start transferring that on my relationship with God. I know the guys here can help with the heavy lifting but He can SO much more. Why do we struggle with that so much?? But it was a cool revelation, so to speak. He really teaches us things in the most peculiar ways.
I know I'm not strong enough but I do know that He is.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Will all the gentle men please stand up
I try to call my family frequently while I have been out here. It is hard sometimes because work gets crazy and I get exhausted and once we end at around 6 pm I am about to pass out and go to bed but of course I want to hang out with my friends at camp and I am usually up til 10 or 11 hanging out doing crazy stuff. But every time I call my great aunt and uncle the conversation usually turns to how I am single and how she is praying for me to find "a nice young man." I love her so much and I smile when ever she starts to say it.
But it has really been my pleasure to meet some amazing guys and have some of them as my close friends. When I was at FLI there were 11 guys there and 33 girls. And those 11 guys there were so incredible. Many of the girls have agreed that these guys "upped" the standards for all the girls. I really think, and no offense, but I met some amazing guys out here in Colorado. I am not saying that I have not met amazing guys back home, because I have. But ever since FLI I guess I have noticed it more. I have noticed some great qualities in some of the guys and for example some of the guys here at camp!
My one boss is 67 years old and is so respectful to us girl staff. I work hard and I have always been someone who can get really stubborn and work at something until I hurt myself or it is done but this summer I have learned a lot about how it is ok to say that I can not do something and ask for help. And the guys out here...help.
Some of the others things I have noticed is just encouragement and nice words that really stick out. One of the guys here is really good at handing out compliments. I am not used to it sometimes but it is nice to hear. :) A few weeks ago the nurse here was so overwhelmed and a bunch of the guys just took over and helped her out when they got done with their job for the day. They set up camp outside her office and helped kids sign in and just did what they could.
I have had some of my guy friends just check in every once in a while and it is really refreshing. When culture portrays guys as players and jerks and seeing some really not nice guys hurt some of my friends it is so nice to see these guys live out their lives for Christ and just respect the girls here at camp. And guys if you read this, we may act like we want to do somethings our selves and sometimes we can, but it is nice to be complimented and helped every once in a while.
So yes will all the gentlemen, please stand up!
But it has really been my pleasure to meet some amazing guys and have some of them as my close friends. When I was at FLI there were 11 guys there and 33 girls. And those 11 guys there were so incredible. Many of the girls have agreed that these guys "upped" the standards for all the girls. I really think, and no offense, but I met some amazing guys out here in Colorado. I am not saying that I have not met amazing guys back home, because I have. But ever since FLI I guess I have noticed it more. I have noticed some great qualities in some of the guys and for example some of the guys here at camp!
My one boss is 67 years old and is so respectful to us girl staff. I work hard and I have always been someone who can get really stubborn and work at something until I hurt myself or it is done but this summer I have learned a lot about how it is ok to say that I can not do something and ask for help. And the guys out here...help.
Some of the others things I have noticed is just encouragement and nice words that really stick out. One of the guys here is really good at handing out compliments. I am not used to it sometimes but it is nice to hear. :) A few weeks ago the nurse here was so overwhelmed and a bunch of the guys just took over and helped her out when they got done with their job for the day. They set up camp outside her office and helped kids sign in and just did what they could.
I have had some of my guy friends just check in every once in a while and it is really refreshing. When culture portrays guys as players and jerks and seeing some really not nice guys hurt some of my friends it is so nice to see these guys live out their lives for Christ and just respect the girls here at camp. And guys if you read this, we may act like we want to do somethings our selves and sometimes we can, but it is nice to be complimented and helped every once in a while.
So yes will all the gentlemen, please stand up!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
circle of friends
Friends are great, they really are. And I have to say I have some of the most amazing friends in the world. My one friend sends a text out every Tuesday asking how he can pray for me this week. So many of my other friends have been there when I am just so broken down and all I need is a person to listen or a prayer. It stinks that all of my friends are so far away now. One of my good friends lives in the springs and one in denver which is so awesome to see them when I get a chance.
I texted a few of my friends the other night saying that I missed them. One of my oldest (and dearest) friends texted me back and said that her and my other friends have a surprise when I get home after the summer. :) I am super excited to see them and of course I love surprises!
I got a chance to spend the past weekend in the springs for a reunion for FLI. It was so great to see some of my old classmates and meet other alumni. The first day was just so surreal and my heart and head were just all in a boggle. It was so strange to be back at the institute without all of my friends but there with some of the same professors and staff. There was so much love there too! It was great to be embraced in such a great community while out there for 4 months and then a reminder. We ended the weekend in my friends kitchen talking. Alums representing 2008 -2011and it was so great to sit there and have such good deep conversations...it was kinda like I had never even left. Different people but same effect. The weekend reminded me of great community and friendships like God intended. My friend Jarid came out from California and I hadn't seen him in over a year and it was like we just picked up. Same with some other classmates that came and same with the staff. The experience I had out there was so amazing and I love having the constant reminders of how God is blessing me with these friendships.
And to top it all off I got back to camp and got a care package from some of my friends from home. Full of tons of fun random nifty things and it was so great :) I love all my friends and although some are far away they are still in my heart always. So shout out to all of them and I hope to see many of them when I go home soon :)
And I guess I could end with some fun/corny friendship lyrics or quote then too huh??
I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
I texted a few of my friends the other night saying that I missed them. One of my oldest (and dearest) friends texted me back and said that her and my other friends have a surprise when I get home after the summer. :) I am super excited to see them and of course I love surprises!
I got a chance to spend the past weekend in the springs for a reunion for FLI. It was so great to see some of my old classmates and meet other alumni. The first day was just so surreal and my heart and head were just all in a boggle. It was so strange to be back at the institute without all of my friends but there with some of the same professors and staff. There was so much love there too! It was great to be embraced in such a great community while out there for 4 months and then a reminder. We ended the weekend in my friends kitchen talking. Alums representing 2008 -2011and it was so great to sit there and have such good deep conversations...it was kinda like I had never even left. Different people but same effect. The weekend reminded me of great community and friendships like God intended. My friend Jarid came out from California and I hadn't seen him in over a year and it was like we just picked up. Same with some other classmates that came and same with the staff. The experience I had out there was so amazing and I love having the constant reminders of how God is blessing me with these friendships.
And to top it all off I got back to camp and got a care package from some of my friends from home. Full of tons of fun random nifty things and it was so great :) I love all my friends and although some are far away they are still in my heart always. So shout out to all of them and I hope to see many of them when I go home soon :)
And I guess I could end with some fun/corny friendship lyrics or quote then too huh??
I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.
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