to be vulnerable

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." That is what C.S. Lewis writes in his book The Four Loves. C.S. Lewis...that man knows how to write in such a way to hit something deep inside your heart. I read The Four Loves this past fall with a few women from camp. It was interesting to go through it with others and see what their opinions were about the different levels of love that Lewis talks about.

I remember hearing the full quote a few years back and it hit me like it has every time that I read it. I have always struggled with love. Whether it is love in family, friends and relationships; love is hard. I have talked about it multiple times, but God created us for relationships and being an extrovert I thrive off of being around people by building community and relationships.

Growing up you think your friends are going to be your friends forever. That is typically not the case. I keep in touch with one friend from grade school and two from high school. Things change, you move away and grow apart. You never expect it to happen. Some of my friend fall outs have been more painful than others. Looking back I have seen how God has used those friendships in different seasons of life to teach me something. Usually something about myself.

There are times I have seen that heart ache can be an excuse or reason to close myself off and times I have seen it be an opportunity to change and be better. I want to open up and be vulnerable. I want to have the confidence to say what I am really thinking and feeling. I get scared and instead...I don't.
That is where I stood a few nights ago. Wanting to say what I was thinking and feeling and completely freezing up. I saw my opportune moment staring me in the face and not being able to.

I drove away disappointed in myself.

But that is life right?! Making mistakes and learning from them? I want to be constantly learning and growing. I do not want to look back and see all the missed moments, I want to see the risks I had taken and how God shaped me through them.

Will I be able to be more vulnerable? I hope so. Maybe vulnerability takes some practice and practice makes...better.
I wish I could say I will be good at this but I know I will not be. I will mess up and get hurt but like C.S. Lewis finishes...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wring and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

I do not want to be irredeemable or impenetrable. I want to be open to love. I may start small; maybe even with only six words, but those six words could be a huge step to something incredible. Hey, baby steps.