blast from the past

I sat at my computer screen and stared. Have I not really changed at all?! Can I even change? My heart dropped as I read the words on the screen. Then I felt a little nudge knowing I am almost there, I am almost at the point of breaking and I felt God smile.

Over Christmas I got to visit my family back east. It was so good to get away for a few days. While I was there I also had the chance to catch up with some old friends. I saw my roommate from college as well as some old friends from high school. I got the chance to meet up with a friend I haven't seen in about 6 years! It was fun to drive around town and catch up on life together.

It's always weird going back. With all of my friends there were tons of stories and memories told. It is strange to talk about those memories from a different place in life. With my girl friends we even opened up some old year books! I have changed so much since high school and even college. Some of the changes have been good but lately I have been struggling with just who I am.

We all search for our true selves. To not have to hide and to be really and truly known and loved. But at the same time are scared that once someone sees the real us and they reject us then there is nothing left. What was extremely incredible about going back was that these friends have known me forever. Even now when I have seemed to get so stressed and forget who I am, they were the ones reminding me. Not on purpose either. Bob Goff talks about listening to the truest voice not the loudest and lately the loud ones have been winning. God was able to use those friends to speak light.

I always seem to talk about God using others to speak into my life. Lately...He has been using me. I know that sounds so incredibly strange and maybe not make sense but I will try and describe it.
One of my friends from home is going through a really tough time. I think God has put me back into his life to encourage him. The other night we were talking and a lot of what he is going through I can relate to. As I was talking I realized God was using me to speak into his life as well as mine. It is always easier to believe something when I am trying to encourage someone else but when it comes to me it is harder. Another example: another friend texted me last week needing prayer and throughout the week as I have been praying and checking in everything I have been telling them has related to me in some way. Ok so that's two. Today: my best friend emailed me and I gave her a scripture that God put on my heart and it happens to be the same verse He has been trying to pound into my head the past few years. I am starting to see that by these people in my life coming to me, God is strengthening me and using me to speak truth not only in their lives but into mine as well.

I have been hit with a lot the past few months and trying to change has been hard. Instead I have been avoiding it. It is inevitable that a breaking point is coming and I feel it on the horizon. Each time I sense God saying, "Will you just trust this and accept My love? Do I really need to get you to rock bottom for you to understand?!" Which brings us back to the beginning.

Maybe I have changed and maybe, lately, I am resorting back to old thoughts because that is what I know. I see a future where I am not chained down by satan's lies and I am living in God's truth. That may be a while a way but it is what I strive for. My friend pointed out a habit that I never noticed myself. He said that if I have had it after this long I can't change. Well, challenge accepted!

2014: in review

The only lights on in the house were the Christmas tree lights. They lit up the room with a soft red glow. I sat there on my pile of blankets mesmerized by the tree. That tree holds so many memories. Each ornament holds a story. Through broken pieces and new ones added every year it epitomizes our family.Christmas eve is my 'New Year's". It gives me a chance to reflect on the past year and take time during the busy holiday season to breathe. I opened my journal, worn to the touch after being dragged around for the past 8 months. As I put my pencil to the page I froze. I did not know where to start. I sat in the exact same spot last year and was convicted to give up dating for 2014. Looking at where I was a year ago and where I have come caused me to stop. I never imagined I would be where I am now.

2014 was one of the hardest years I have had. Many things began but with every beginning comes an ending. Those endings were painful and difficult. There have been some great new adventures! God has been stretching me a lot as well. Some of those lessons have been hard to learn. I am ready for new beginnings and new adventures but our past is what shapes us and helps us grow.

In 2014:

I ended my last semester with Axis. It was bittersweet and I miss traveling but I know God wanted me to move forward.

I got a full time job. I am working at a camp and gaining so much experience! It is a different season in my life but I want to use it.

I joined a church! I am finally in one place for more than a few days! I am able to get involved in a church and small group and I have met some amazing people who have shaped my life!

I have made awesome friendships! The friends I have made and had over this year have changed my life. I am so thankful for them. I even got a chance to catch up with old friends recently as well.

I have grown. looking back to where I was only a year ago. I know I have a long way to go but I know God is still using me.

As 2014 comes to a close I can say that I am happy that it is over. I am who I am now because of those experiences but I am ready for a fresh start and a new horizon to chase. So bring it on 2015 and bring me that horizon!

what I learned from: punching a door

[Note: no doors were harmed in the making of this post]

Now before you draw any crazy conclusions this is the first time I have ever punched anything! (besides a punching bag...which those are intended for punching) People release anger in different ways. For me, typically, I need to run. I love running sprints when I am angry because I get all my energy out. If I can't run I usually hit a field hockey ball at a wall for a while or I take my lacrosse stick and throw the ball at a pitch back. So, I am a pretty active person. Option 1: Currently, I cannot run. I injured both of my feet and it hurts to put pressure on them. (It totally stinks!) So, that is out of the question. Option 2: Sports. Well, considering I live in Colorado and there is snow on the ground limits things. I do not have a lacrosse stick with me and it is too dark to see anything much less hit a field hockey ball around...in the snow...in the middle of the woods.

Needless to say, tonight I was stuck. Unfortunately, I love watching movies and in movies characters are found destroying things in anger. Sometimes they punch walls out of rage, break things, throw things around, and various other acts of destruction.So in turn, my thought process went a little like this:

"I am so angry right now! I just want to throw something! Well, my phone is closest and already in my hand...no I can't, my phone its from work and if that breaks....
I could punch a wall. But...I don't really feel like fixing a hole in the wall with spackle or drywall. Punching a pillow won't help at all. Oh how about that door!"

That all happened in the matter of me standing up and walking downstairs. Our laundry room door was torn apart by my roommates dog this past summer. My thought was if she is going to replace it anyways another hole won't hurt. I wound up and hit the door with the side of my fist and then knelt on the ground and started crying to God.

Now, hours later I sit with a bruised hand and a brokenness I cannot quite explain. It is humbling being brought to your knees before your Creator. Sometimes when life makes it too hard to stand you have to kneel. It is scary not being in control. When you feel like everything around you is just falling apart. God calls us to surrender. To give up the things we hold onto so tight. He is saying, "Give it to me! I know it hurts and I know you are scared but I can make it better. Give it to Me and I will carry you through it. We can do it together. Just trust Me, trust that I can do this."

That is what I learned when I tried to punch a door. In the end, it did not help anything and I do not think I ever plan to try it again.

thankful for: family

We used to host Christmas Eve at our house. We had it there for about 15 years with my dad's side of the family. What makes Christmas so special to me are these times I am able to spend with family. And like every family we have our own traditions.

Every Christmas Eve we would cook in the morning then head to get ready. As we waited for our aunts, uncles and cousins to arrive we would be snacking on appetizers as my mom would warn us not to eat them all. Family would start to arrive and our house would be filled with laughter and noise. My dad is one of seven boys and most of the uncles are able to make it for this family gathering. All the cousins would run around and my grandma would find a place on the couch to talk to everyone and catch up on our lives. I would used to try and corral all the young cousins and attempt to put on a play of Joseph and Mary and baby Jesus. It never seemed to go as smoothly as I expected. I do think the adults were entertained by the effort. We would eat dinner in waves because there was not enough seating for all the cousins at once. Then we would be sent off to play in the basement and the adults would eat and chat. After dinner we would be treated to an incredible assortment of cookies that my mom usually made. As we gathered around the table to eat the adults, with kids in laps and piled on chairs, would start a game of White Elephant. Now our family is very good at this game. We take gifts that we have received or old things around the house and wrap them up ant attempt to get another family member stuck with them. We had a few items that went around from year to year. Such as: a loaf of bread, fish eggs, a pig cookie jar, cologne set, silk gold flower pillow and many more! It would always be exciting to see who would get what that year.

We would sit around the table and eventually the younger cousins would get pj's on and get put in cars. Goodbyes would be said and it was sort of a game on making sure you gave everyone a hug before they left. With the party being at my house a tradition started where everyone would try and not leave with their white elephant gifts. My brothers, sister, parents and I would try and keep tabs on each cousin, aunt and uncle as they left to make sure they had their gifts. We would do sweeps around the house as people left and check hiding places. Every year they left things. One time my uncle left and then drove back around and put the silk pillow in our mailbox and drove off again. My brother chased his car all the way out of the development. We would find random gifts hidden all over the house on Christmas day in beds, stockings, behind our tree and various places.

The past three years Christmas Eve is now at my Uncle Chris' house. The first year my dad decided to get back for the 15 years we would have gifts left behind. Our mission: was to not leave the house with anything. We arrived with about ten army men hidden in our pockets each and we were to leave them hidden around the house. We left all of our white elephant gifts as well. This has become a new tradition the past few years and my aunt and uncle still find army men around the house throughout the year. We have hid them in nativity scenes, Christmas trees, bathrooms, and pantries (just to name a few)

Christmas is a time full of family and traditions. I love my family and the fun quirky games we play at parties. I am missing the Christmas Eve party this year but I am blessed to have the opportunity to go home for a few days and spend the holidays with my family. That is what makes Christmas so magical for me...my family. I love houses filled with laughter, good food, fun games and love. It is what makes a family a family. No matter the time or distance when you gather it is a time of community and fun. My family has shaped me and I love the uniqueness of it all. My friends came to a family party once and after it was over they told me it made sense to who I am. I am proud of who I am, My cousin and I have joked that the ultimate test for our future husbands will be a party with my uncles. I will warn you if you ever come to a McGann party you may not be prepared for all that it entails. ;)

thankful for: friends

[In honor of one of my friends moving back home today] There are people in your life that make it hard to say good bye. There are people that make you laugh so hard that you cry (and get a pretty good ab workout from it) There are people who take you on adventures outside of yourself. There are people that love you more than you deserve sometimes. These people have been my friends. I have experienced all of these things in so many different forms throughout the years.

I remember my first friend. Her name was Cassie and we lived in South Carolina. She had a trampoline and it was the coolest thing ever! We used to run through a field and over a tiny hill to each others houses. I remember once we sat on the grassy slope between our houses. I remember us being upset about me moving away. I was five when I moved to New Jersey and it was a new adventure with new friends.

Elementary school seems like a blur. I remember faces, recess and playing house under a big oak tree. These faces followed me all the way through to high school. Friendship seems so simple when you are little. "Hey, you like the color blue?! So do I!" Instant friends. Now it is more complex. As you get older you go through more. You have more history that is brought into a friendship. My friends from grade school know about my awkward stages. They have seen me in my big over-sized t-shirts that I wore because for some reason I thought it was cool. They know about my third grade crushes and my high school boyfriend. Those memories have shaped who I have become. I still have friends who walk that journey with me. I have friends from college who helped me establish my faith. I have friends who were there for my first heart break and some who have been there for every one since then. I have friends who have threatened to beat up guys for me and sat and listened as I tried to figure out God's will for my life. I have friends who call me just to have someone to talk to even if we are all the way across the country from each other. As time passes friendships change. We all grow in different ways but at the same time we have grown together.

I am able to go home for Christmas for a few days this year. A few of my friends from grade school and high school are going to get together. Whenever we get together there is always tons of laughter as we bring up of old names and stories from when we were younger. We fill in each other about current lives and things we have been going through. We live lives separate from each other, all five of us living in different states. When we get together, no matter the time or how much has changed, it is still us.

Friendship can bring so much joy and also so much pain. I have lost friends over the years because of disagreements or different paths in life. It has been a struggle for me to watch those friendships that I invested in for years just seem to disintegrate like they were nothing to begin with. There is always a level of risk when you open yourself up to another broken person. It is a risk we all take because God created us to thrive and desire connection with each other. I have spent most of my life in fear of letting people get close because the closer you get to someone the closer you get. Over the years, unfortunately, I have come to believe that when you let someone that close they will eventually leave. I have experienced it and felt the pain as another friendship ends and I do not know why.

I have had friends that prove me wrong. There have been friends who have pushed past the walls I spent years trying to build. These people showed me so much about what it looks like to love. They bring a new definition to the term 'friendship' and have taught me how to be a better friend. This new stage in life has brought its joys and struggles and I am so thankful I have people in my life who have been there through it all. (And most likely have so many embarrassing stories to tell) So thank you to all my friends! I thank you for believing in me, for pushing me, for loving me, for calling me out, stretching me and even at times reminding me who I am.

"Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold. A ring is round it has no end, that's how long I want to be your friend."

thankful for: memories

I love taking pictures and videos. My friends have been victims of my video documenting many times. Every time I look at a picture I see a memory. Memories scroll through my head like a movie and I can replay memories in my head. That can be a good...or a bad thing.

When I was in college, for extra credit, I helped out the graduate counseling department by volunteering to get counseled. It was my freshman year of college and it coincidentally happened right after my first boyfriend broke up with me. I did not know what to expect when I walked over to the graduate building for my first session. Each would be 45 minutes long and there would be nine sessions. I was not sure if I could figure out what to talk about for that long. All I remember was a small room with a two way mirror. I would go in every Monday night for nine weeks and sit down in a plush blue chair. She would ask me what I wanted to talk about or bring up something she remembered from a previous session and I would go off. With it still being my freshman year I had not made many really close friends at that point, no one to confide in about my broken heart and end of my first relationship. I found comfort in talking through everything. I learned through that process that I am an external processor.

Near the end of my time my counselor asked me a few things. First, she wondered why I went into so much detail with stories. I can get very descriptive when I share stories or feelings with someone. There were friends in college who I noticed would zone out and eventually tell me to get to the point. She asked if it was me trying to take the entire time. I left that session feeling confused. I told stories in so much detail that it annoyed people...why? I started to wonder that myself for a long time. The answer came when I attended FLI. We took a strengths test and my number one strength is includer. When I told my mom I remember her laughing at how true that was.

As an includer I love to make people feel, you guessed it, included. Includers hate the idea of exclusivity and people feeling left out. On the opposite side of that, as an includer, I love to feel included. A part of that strength comes through my story telling. I want people to understand a story fully, like they were there with me. Like they were a part of the story. So there are times I may go into too much detail to make others feel included. I refer to it now as rambling and a few of my friends are patient enough to steer me in the right track otherwise I can get caught up too much in the memory.

I find when I tell stories I am back at that time. I love reminiscing with friends because I go back to that experience. The other night I was blessed to be able to meet up with a few old friends from FLI and catch up on life. We talked about how God has stretched and shaped us in the past few years, where we are now and, of course, we reminisced at some old memories. It was fun to have a chance to go back with them. Memories bring back so much! There are times I can get caught in a day dream of a memory and get lost in the past. I love having good memories to go back to. I even love having the tough memories. Although they are painful to go back to I am thankful I can learn from those memories.

Memories shape us and change us bit by bit. Like a river. The water courses through and is constantly changing. Maybe that river remembers the different people who have floated down it, the fish who swam through or the men who fished at the banks. But years and years the water will shape and change that river bank until it looks a little different. It is still in the same place but those experiences have changed it. Memories can cause pain or joy and it is up to us to determine how they change and shape us in the long run.

thankful for: silence

I recently bought a car. My first big purchase! I feel quite like an adult now, especially with all the new bills. I upgraded from my loyal volvo to a more rugged jeep. I have really enjoyed it! It made it's first road trip out to the Grand Canyon and back in September with my best friend. I have named it AJ (which stands for Adventure Jeep) and I plan on having many more adventures in it!

The only thing that was missing when I bought it was... a stereo. As a lover of music believe me that was a disappointment. The old owner took out the face plate when they sold it. All I thought was I had to get a new face plate for the stereo and it would be fine but it will cost more than I thought...so at the moment I am stereo-less. After a week or so I could not stand the silence it brought. I did not want to think. Thinking was not good at the time and having no way to drown out my thoughts I could not escape. I stopped driving for a while and tried to avoid going anywhere. As I got involved in a Bible study and wanting to see friends and buy food I could not avoid for very long. Little did I know that over time I would come to welcome the silence and the comfort it brought.

Sometimes I get so busy I forget to think...or I get busy on purpose so I do not have to think. It was at a time where God wanted to speak to my heart and forced me to have time with Him. Unfortunately, I did not want to open my heart up to Him. Weeks and weeks went by and He slowly broke me down until I started to really enjoy the car rides I would take to and from camp. I started to look forward to the silence. I would look forward to the time I could sit and pray and talk to God. It was hard at first and there were rides I could not see the road through my tears. God has used this time of silence to fill it with His love.

I love driving now and taking others with me gives us a chance to talk without the distraction of music. Do not get me wrong I LOVE music and I am always listening to something. But, not having music to drown out God's voice gives me a chance to be open to Him. I will eventually get a stereo but I am in no rush and I know when I do I plan on still making time for silent rides with God. I am thankful for silence and the truth it reveals, even when it can sometimes be painful.