Valentine's Day

I have never had an opinion of Valentine's Day. Growing up it was an excuse to eat as much candy as you wanted. It also involved picking out the coolest valentines day cards for the kids in your class and then later hoarding the candy in your room so you could hide it from your siblings....and maybe your mom. 

As I have gotten older it has changed. It is still a day of love but as I got into college it was a day my single friends seemed to desperately wish they were in a relationship. Beneath the "lets get all dressed up and go bowling then eat ice cream til 2 am" was a bitterness of being single during this day. 

I have never been in a relationship over Valentine's Day. So you could say I have never really had "a Valentine" before. I am ok with that because I have found other ways to pour love out. I think deep down I am secretly a romantic. Although in a candlelight dinner surrounded by roses while being read poetry type setting, I would not know how to react and most likely stutter (and blush) a lot! I have never been that type of person. I have had some incredible Valentine's days without having a boyfriend. 

what I learned from: hiking by myself

I don't think I can ever get sick of Colorado. No, it does not have the beach but there are always new trails to hike and things to explore! I love the feeling you get after hiking a rough trail and finally reach the top. The exhaustion that your body feels slowly slips away as you take in the view around you. Anywhere you hike in Colorado the views are incredible!

There is one peak in Colorado Springs called Blodgett. I have hiked it three times and still have yet to make it to the top! The first time we made it to a ridge right underneath the peak and sat down for a minute before we had to head back down to make it back in time for an event. The second time we made it to the trail head and decided to turn around because of the thunder and lightening. This last time I hiked it by myself and I made it almost to the top and a snow storm rolled in and I could not see very well. So I decided to turn around. One day I will conquer Blodgett! But, I am waiting for spring, less snow, friends, and my foot to heal. While hiking I had a lot of time to think and here are some life lessons I learned while hiking by myself.

"Be Still"

Every season in life brings something new. This season has been full of changes. To be honest, I like to think I understand God sometimes. Something happens in a way that seems right. Then when I think I have it all figured out He switches it up on me.

I read an article on Boundless.org a few years ago. The writer decided, at the beginning of the year, to find a word that she wanted to define that upcoming year. It was a really good article and when I read it years ago I wanted to come up with a word as well. Well, this year I finally did. Last year my word was love. I learned a lot about it and I was sure I knew what word I wanted 2015 to be about. God, had other plans.

Beloved, that is what I was planning on having 2015 be about. God has been showing me a lot recently what that looks like. I sat in my friends apartment and there was a moment of silence. There was worship music playing quietly in the background and the 7 of us were scattered around praying, reading and writing. We had already caught up from Christmas break and instead of digging into the book we have been reading through there was a change of pace. Instead, there was time for prayer and reflection. This was a time for silence and for God to speak into our lives as we entered the new year. I am not good with being still. I like to relax every once in a while but it usually involves being with people and doing an activity or watching something. As I sat down and settled my heart I knew God wanted to talk to me. I felt him pushing me to open my Bible to the book of Kings. I remember this story because we talked about it in our Axis presentation. I always loved how my friend told the story and I heard his voice in my head as I started to read through it then.

The story is found in 1 Kings 18. Elijah is put to the test and asked to prove God's existence. He sets up two alters and goes up against the prophets of Baal. The prophets of Baal start to pray to their god to light their alter and nothing happens. Elijah starts to mock them asking if he is sleeping or perhaps busy or traveling. Nothing happens and it is Elijah's turn. He pours water on his alter (for good measure) and starts to pray to the God of Israel. God lights the alter and proves He is the one true God. Elijah then kills all the Baal prophets. Jezebel, who was not a fan of this, tells her peeps to kill Elijah and Elijah becomes scared for his life and runs away. He is exhausted having just killed a ton of prophets and running for his life and falls asleep under a bush. An angel of the Lord appears to him and wakes him and tells him to eat. After he eats he tells him to sleep. Then he wakes Elijah and gives him food and tells him to go back to sleep. After all of that he is told to rest for the journey ahead.

I felt God telling me that I am now in a season of rest. I have been running for a few years now and now that I am finally settling in I find the need to start running again. This is my season to be still. That is something that does not come easily or naturally to me and since learning that is what I need to do I have been busier than ever! There are so many passages where God speaks and works in the stillness. I always love the parts in the New Testament where Christ goes away and prays to his Father. He gets away from the crowds and from what he is doing and finds time to be still.

I find peace in the stillness but then I get alone with my thoughts and I get scared. So I grab the nearest book or turn on a movie or do anything else. No only do I need to practice stillness I think my heart needs to learn the discipline too. This year will be interesting and I am jumping into the idea of learning a lot in the stillness.

Maybe I will start tonight...as I sit on the couch typing I know even writing this is still running. The house gets quieter as the minutes tick by and I have finally stopped hearing my roommates dog's paws above me. God meets us in the stillness. He meets us in the craziness and chaos too but I think there is a certain skill in being still when the world around us tells us to keep going. So that is what I am going to spend this next year trying to figure out.

What is your word?

blast from the past

I sat at my computer screen and stared. Have I not really changed at all?! Can I even change? My heart dropped as I read the words on the screen. Then I felt a little nudge knowing I am almost there, I am almost at the point of breaking and I felt God smile.

Over Christmas I got to visit my family back east. It was so good to get away for a few days. While I was there I also had the chance to catch up with some old friends. I saw my roommate from college as well as some old friends from high school. I got the chance to meet up with a friend I haven't seen in about 6 years! It was fun to drive around town and catch up on life together.

It's always weird going back. With all of my friends there were tons of stories and memories told. It is strange to talk about those memories from a different place in life. With my girl friends we even opened up some old year books! I have changed so much since high school and even college. Some of the changes have been good but lately I have been struggling with just who I am.

We all search for our true selves. To not have to hide and to be really and truly known and loved. But at the same time are scared that once someone sees the real us and they reject us then there is nothing left. What was extremely incredible about going back was that these friends have known me forever. Even now when I have seemed to get so stressed and forget who I am, they were the ones reminding me. Not on purpose either. Bob Goff talks about listening to the truest voice not the loudest and lately the loud ones have been winning. God was able to use those friends to speak light.

I always seem to talk about God using others to speak into my life. Lately...He has been using me. I know that sounds so incredibly strange and maybe not make sense but I will try and describe it.
One of my friends from home is going through a really tough time. I think God has put me back into his life to encourage him. The other night we were talking and a lot of what he is going through I can relate to. As I was talking I realized God was using me to speak into his life as well as mine. It is always easier to believe something when I am trying to encourage someone else but when it comes to me it is harder. Another example: another friend texted me last week needing prayer and throughout the week as I have been praying and checking in everything I have been telling them has related to me in some way. Ok so that's two. Today: my best friend emailed me and I gave her a scripture that God put on my heart and it happens to be the same verse He has been trying to pound into my head the past few years. I am starting to see that by these people in my life coming to me, God is strengthening me and using me to speak truth not only in their lives but into mine as well.

I have been hit with a lot the past few months and trying to change has been hard. Instead I have been avoiding it. It is inevitable that a breaking point is coming and I feel it on the horizon. Each time I sense God saying, "Will you just trust this and accept My love? Do I really need to get you to rock bottom for you to understand?!" Which brings us back to the beginning.

Maybe I have changed and maybe, lately, I am resorting back to old thoughts because that is what I know. I see a future where I am not chained down by satan's lies and I am living in God's truth. That may be a while a way but it is what I strive for. My friend pointed out a habit that I never noticed myself. He said that if I have had it after this long I can't change. Well, challenge accepted!

2014: in review

The only lights on in the house were the Christmas tree lights. They lit up the room with a soft red glow. I sat there on my pile of blankets mesmerized by the tree. That tree holds so many memories. Each ornament holds a story. Through broken pieces and new ones added every year it epitomizes our family.Christmas eve is my 'New Year's". It gives me a chance to reflect on the past year and take time during the busy holiday season to breathe. I opened my journal, worn to the touch after being dragged around for the past 8 months. As I put my pencil to the page I froze. I did not know where to start. I sat in the exact same spot last year and was convicted to give up dating for 2014. Looking at where I was a year ago and where I have come caused me to stop. I never imagined I would be where I am now.

2014 was one of the hardest years I have had. Many things began but with every beginning comes an ending. Those endings were painful and difficult. There have been some great new adventures! God has been stretching me a lot as well. Some of those lessons have been hard to learn. I am ready for new beginnings and new adventures but our past is what shapes us and helps us grow.

In 2014:

I ended my last semester with Axis. It was bittersweet and I miss traveling but I know God wanted me to move forward.

I got a full time job. I am working at a camp and gaining so much experience! It is a different season in my life but I want to use it.

I joined a church! I am finally in one place for more than a few days! I am able to get involved in a church and small group and I have met some amazing people who have shaped my life!

I have made awesome friendships! The friends I have made and had over this year have changed my life. I am so thankful for them. I even got a chance to catch up with old friends recently as well.

I have grown. looking back to where I was only a year ago. I know I have a long way to go but I know God is still using me.

As 2014 comes to a close I can say that I am happy that it is over. I am who I am now because of those experiences but I am ready for a fresh start and a new horizon to chase. So bring it on 2015 and bring me that horizon!

what I learned from: punching a door

[Note: no doors were harmed in the making of this post]

Now before you draw any crazy conclusions this is the first time I have ever punched anything! (besides a punching bag...which those are intended for punching) People release anger in different ways. For me, typically, I need to run. I love running sprints when I am angry because I get all my energy out. If I can't run I usually hit a field hockey ball at a wall for a while or I take my lacrosse stick and throw the ball at a pitch back. So, I am a pretty active person. Option 1: Currently, I cannot run. I injured both of my feet and it hurts to put pressure on them. (It totally stinks!) So, that is out of the question. Option 2: Sports. Well, considering I live in Colorado and there is snow on the ground limits things. I do not have a lacrosse stick with me and it is too dark to see anything much less hit a field hockey ball around...in the snow...in the middle of the woods.

Needless to say, tonight I was stuck. Unfortunately, I love watching movies and in movies characters are found destroying things in anger. Sometimes they punch walls out of rage, break things, throw things around, and various other acts of destruction.So in turn, my thought process went a little like this:

"I am so angry right now! I just want to throw something! Well, my phone is closest and already in my hand...no I can't, my phone its from work and if that breaks....
I could punch a wall. But...I don't really feel like fixing a hole in the wall with spackle or drywall. Punching a pillow won't help at all. Oh how about that door!"

That all happened in the matter of me standing up and walking downstairs. Our laundry room door was torn apart by my roommates dog this past summer. My thought was if she is going to replace it anyways another hole won't hurt. I wound up and hit the door with the side of my fist and then knelt on the ground and started crying to God.

Now, hours later I sit with a bruised hand and a brokenness I cannot quite explain. It is humbling being brought to your knees before your Creator. Sometimes when life makes it too hard to stand you have to kneel. It is scary not being in control. When you feel like everything around you is just falling apart. God calls us to surrender. To give up the things we hold onto so tight. He is saying, "Give it to me! I know it hurts and I know you are scared but I can make it better. Give it to Me and I will carry you through it. We can do it together. Just trust Me, trust that I can do this."

That is what I learned when I tried to punch a door. In the end, it did not help anything and I do not think I ever plan to try it again.

thankful for: family

We used to host Christmas Eve at our house. We had it there for about 15 years with my dad's side of the family. What makes Christmas so special to me are these times I am able to spend with family. And like every family we have our own traditions.

Every Christmas Eve we would cook in the morning then head to get ready. As we waited for our aunts, uncles and cousins to arrive we would be snacking on appetizers as my mom would warn us not to eat them all. Family would start to arrive and our house would be filled with laughter and noise. My dad is one of seven boys and most of the uncles are able to make it for this family gathering. All the cousins would run around and my grandma would find a place on the couch to talk to everyone and catch up on our lives. I would used to try and corral all the young cousins and attempt to put on a play of Joseph and Mary and baby Jesus. It never seemed to go as smoothly as I expected. I do think the adults were entertained by the effort. We would eat dinner in waves because there was not enough seating for all the cousins at once. Then we would be sent off to play in the basement and the adults would eat and chat. After dinner we would be treated to an incredible assortment of cookies that my mom usually made. As we gathered around the table to eat the adults, with kids in laps and piled on chairs, would start a game of White Elephant. Now our family is very good at this game. We take gifts that we have received or old things around the house and wrap them up ant attempt to get another family member stuck with them. We had a few items that went around from year to year. Such as: a loaf of bread, fish eggs, a pig cookie jar, cologne set, silk gold flower pillow and many more! It would always be exciting to see who would get what that year.

We would sit around the table and eventually the younger cousins would get pj's on and get put in cars. Goodbyes would be said and it was sort of a game on making sure you gave everyone a hug before they left. With the party being at my house a tradition started where everyone would try and not leave with their white elephant gifts. My brothers, sister, parents and I would try and keep tabs on each cousin, aunt and uncle as they left to make sure they had their gifts. We would do sweeps around the house as people left and check hiding places. Every year they left things. One time my uncle left and then drove back around and put the silk pillow in our mailbox and drove off again. My brother chased his car all the way out of the development. We would find random gifts hidden all over the house on Christmas day in beds, stockings, behind our tree and various places.

The past three years Christmas Eve is now at my Uncle Chris' house. The first year my dad decided to get back for the 15 years we would have gifts left behind. Our mission: was to not leave the house with anything. We arrived with about ten army men hidden in our pockets each and we were to leave them hidden around the house. We left all of our white elephant gifts as well. This has become a new tradition the past few years and my aunt and uncle still find army men around the house throughout the year. We have hid them in nativity scenes, Christmas trees, bathrooms, and pantries (just to name a few)

Christmas is a time full of family and traditions. I love my family and the fun quirky games we play at parties. I am missing the Christmas Eve party this year but I am blessed to have the opportunity to go home for a few days and spend the holidays with my family. That is what makes Christmas so magical for me...my family. I love houses filled with laughter, good food, fun games and love. It is what makes a family a family. No matter the time or distance when you gather it is a time of community and fun. My family has shaped me and I love the uniqueness of it all. My friends came to a family party once and after it was over they told me it made sense to who I am. I am proud of who I am, My cousin and I have joked that the ultimate test for our future husbands will be a party with my uncles. I will warn you if you ever come to a McGann party you may not be prepared for all that it entails. ;)